a collection of sounds

all images from tumblr

The sound of your laughter,

filling the dead spaces in the crevices of my lungs,

a flurry of fresh

cold wind that leaves me gasping and,

The sound of sleepy silence,

lapping at our feet

on those long morning drives to nowhere,

where all we hear is our breathing

warm and kind against our tired faces and,

The sound of your heart,

steady,

safe,

amid the noise of the giddy crowd & my own frantic pounding one

be still and hear,

The sound of a broken soul,

beating for the lost, sick, dying,

and for the One who makes all things right again,

The sound of love,

warm coffee in the morning light

gentle tunes hummed till they bleed with time

The sound of quiet murmurs,
whispers between tangled legs
and almost fading dreams
caught bare-faced in the gentle morning light

The sound of you, (it's

been so long i've almost forgotten)

(or maybe

it's barely even started)

and

i'm just sitting here in comfortable, heavy silence,

waiting

in reckless abandon

Here I am.

Carrying in my arms the broken shards of things I loved and fell apart. The sharp edges have torn my arms and the wounds are a tender shade of scarlet, and I know that scarlet is a colour fit for a King. I have no right to bear these scars, but I have nowhere else to turn.

I pass the place where old dreams are buried and where the air hangs heavy with ghosts of the past clinging to me in the thick mist–

I will walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

and fear no evil, for You are with me.

My heart is shaking as I look for You through the fog, afraid to find Your sorrowful eyes but longing to see You. I am too frail and too weak, and this journey is too long and painful, Lord–this I know all too well.

And as the trail tapers off into a large field, I find myself left with nothing but my broken pieces and my tears and the dirt beneath me. Through the ebbing fog, I see the shadow of an altar.

And blindly, I stumble towards it, heart heavy with tears and with a million words I do not know how to say. The broken shards have begun to shred my bloodied skin again, but this time the pain is heavier and sharper, as if they somehow knew I was trying to let them go. Broken shards of a self-righteous life I cannot let go of; I know that with every tear of my skin I am getting weaker.

A familiar figure cuts through the thick fog, but I cannot move. I can only sit and wait as silent cries shake my body, desperate to be saved from myself. There are moments you never forget, and as He gazed down upon me, with so much sorrow and beauty and compassion piercing through to my soul, I tasted Love for the first time.

O! The sweetness of His gaze and warmth of Love! Nothing I had been promised in my old life even came close. It seemed like centuries ago when I had revelled and made my living off the self-absorbed "love" the world served in sickening excess.

And in reckless abandon, He reached out to me, despite the heavy stench of dried blood and flaking mud around me, to take everything, the pain and the tears and the remnants of my former self, even as they tore His beautiful body. Blood flowed richly and freely and a cry of pain and aguish left His lips. I cowered, but He did not draw back until He had taken every sliver of my sin and laid them on the altar beside Himself. The ultimate sacrifice, the holy & the perfect Lamb, to save me from destroying myself.

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound! 

That saved a wretch like me.

/postscript/

I really, truly try to love Him in my own twisted human, carnal way, but I cannot do it. I cannot love Him enough to bend my own stubborn, proud heart to His will. I cannot love Him enough to fill my mind with His words. I cannot love Him enough to kill my own sinful habits that chain me to my flesh.

And though my heart cries in bondage, it steadily refuses to budge. The irony never fails to amaze me and fill me with such despair.


But His Love is too great—so great that He sent His Son down to die on the cross to save my small, pitiful heart bent on destroying myself. Love so great that He turned away from His only begotten Son when my sins were laid on Him. O Lord! Enlarge my heart I pray. I do not deserve Your love, that I know, but neither do You deserve my pale, weak heart that very often beats for something else.

And I come back again to the beginning—disappointment is a harsh term. I try not to think about it so much, but if I am disappointed with how often my wandering heart strays, to think of the disappointment He has in my unfaithfulness. My heart trembles at the grace that has been lavished on me, and marvels at His faithfulness, steady throughout the generations.

/

And with that I end, a sinner that has been liberated from the snares of sin but who often forgets the costliness of the free gift she has received. Perhaps this is but a pitiful attempt at reminding herself of how undeserving she is of His love and how willing He is to pursue her wandering heart, but isn't this the beauty in the story of redemption? And this weary soul can only say hallelujah. All glory be given to the One who saves.

/

This post has been perhaps the most painful and important one I've written yet. It's taken me months and months (close to half a year, or more) to finally conclude this and get the words and the story right and I know I'm a week late for Easter Sunday, but I thought I might share this anyways (hurhur). And isn't it only right that I have a very long postscript to be attached to this post? HAHAHA. You can take it as my attempt to apologise and make up for the lack of content on this space (hehe), but really, every word I say is straight from my heart. I've said this one too many times, but thank you, thank you, thank you for being here.

the song of us | here's a piece of my heart (ii)

It was a quiet Saturday evening. Those kinds of evenings when it seemed you could just sink into the deep silence and silently fall through the cracks to the other dimension, slipping into a million melodies just waiting to be discovered.

We met by accident.

You were a warm, pulsating melody that swelled and eased like the tide. Notes hurriedly strung together as you attempted to construct a greeting. (I ended up receiving an unintentional compliment, not that I'm complaining about it.) I didn't know much, but I knew I really wanted to hear your tune over and over again.

Walking with you down corridor after corridor, finding excuses to somehow prolong our conversation--I laugh as I catch myself mid thought. Your eyebrows raise and I laugh again because you look so ridiculous. Really ridiculous. There is not a chance I would tell this to you now, I think to myself. Maybe next time when we have years of friendship behind us. Maybe next time.

We meet once, twice, many times more after that. It's built on friendly excuses, until you finally tell me that you love the tune I play, the trills and occasional random arpeggios thrown into the score that lilts on. For that moment my heart sings because, me too! Man, how blessed can I get? And I tell you, this time out loud, I have fallen for your warm chords and deep tunes.

And thus, the song of you and me began.

You slowly help me mend the cracks of silence that had threatened to swallow me. We seal them, but leave enough space for the haunting melodies to filter through. I liked it better that way, I told you. Then I can still discover the undiscovered melodies. You laughingly joke that it's alright, as long as I still loved your tune the most. What a silly thing to say! That is something that will never change.

Whenever you laugh, I want the whole world to see how it colours my world and sets my heart skipping the occasional beat. But I suppose, some things are best loved alone.

I don't think you know how deeply I feel in love with you, but it's more than I can ever bring myself to say or admit. We write melodies and paint them in silver and pastel, and the tune goes on and on.

I have found the one whom my soul loves.

//

wow a FOUR MONTH hiatus ??? what is life

this post is long looOOong overdue but i legitimately just wrote it a few hours ago
(that's how little i've been writing for the past few months i'm ashamed)

it's fresh off the press, yall.

(also i just got a TON of cake samples. God is good. love u all muchly)

a crack in the starlit sky

image from tumblr
i humbly recommend this track for your listening pleasure

---

I caught a glimpse of paradise today.

It was a peculiar feeling, seeing something you’re so familiar with but have never actually seen.

For the first time, gazing out a plane window at 4AM, I saw the stars. Not just the rare one or two bright ones bravely shining through the noisy city lights, but a whole sky full of it.

And I remember thinking, Wow, this is one star too many.


I was, and still am, a city girl. Born and bred with the glaring lights of rush and noise to suffocate my senses. I have never seen the stars I write about so often, felt the cool moss beneath my bare feet, or lay in fields with the evening sun warming my face. I felt an odd sense of guilt when I realised just how glorious the pattern of the heavens was, how I’d been talking all these time about something I never really knew. 

So maybe what I’m trying to say very imperfectly is that writing has taken me places I could have only dreamed about.

When I write about the mountains and the stars and the songs the wind sings, a piece of me is there. When I’m broken, I engrave the words of my Father into the crevices of my heart. When my soul sings, I pencil in that song to my memory where I can keep it for eternity.

I feel like Christmas eve is an appropriate time for such reflections. Staring up into the sky this evening made me feel so small and pale in comparison, but I know of Someone loved me enough to send His own Son to this earth, with a bright lonely star to watch over His cradle, for the redemption of a girl who cannot love enough on her own.

The stars were never one too many or one too few.

//

Only a few more hours to Christmas, so happy (almost) Christmas!! May you be filled with love & joy this season, and not forget the life behind why we remember this beautiful day.

p.s.: still working on part ii of here's a piece of my heart!! so excited to finish this ♥ so much love for you all.

here's a piece of my heart | part i.

image from tumblr

7.15am again, and I am sitting precariously on the rusty chair of this forlorn coffee shop.

You are sitting across the table and every fibre in my body is straining to keep my eyes on the steam wistfully pooling around the cup's rim. Because I can't swim and your eyes are too deep for me to stay afloat.

I crack a joke and cringe as it falls flat, but you must know that humour is my self defence because you laugh and ask if everything's going on alright.

And for that moment I almost lose myself. I want tell you everything I know. That you make me feel like the most beautiful person when I'm around you. That the stars shine the brightest in your eyes when you laugh. That π is a perfect name for your dog. That even though I teach formulas for a living, I'll never begin to solve the puzzle of how I fell for the lonely man in the coffee shop.

But I don't, because you are grinning again and I know my story is a sad one, one that would stain your smile and hang heavily on your heart.

So I sit there and laugh like I'm fine as we joke over simpler things that matter less and gaze at the town as it slowly wakens through the frosted windows. And for that moment I can pretend that all is well with the world.

[ at 8.00am I leave ]

//

HELLO MY DEAREST PEOPLE. I'm so sorry for dropping off the face of this planet but college has been incredible (but crazy, incredible crazy, crazily incredible, heh) so I haven't been around this space forever. I've missed this but it takes awhile to start my writing engine again. I'm thinking of having a part 2 (!!) so hang around for it alright!! Hope your holidays have been going on beautifully; I know mine has ♥ I"VE MISSED THIS SO MUCH AKSAJDSJDKLSJDA it's good to be back (for however long, it's still good.)

fearless love

magic from tumblr

i will tell you the things i am afraid of.

i am afraid of the dark when it spirals into oblivion,
of the light that blinds the tender eye,
of second before the storm,
of the song that shreds the heart.

i am afraid of the bright music i hear when you laugh,
of the sky that colours your brown, curly hair,
of your kind voice that says hello,
of the sea that reflects your smiling eyes.

i am afraid.

but, let me tell you what i love.

i love the dark that casts wandering shadows on my face,
the light that patterns the dusty floors,
the storm that rages with passion,
the song that sings through the air.

i love the warmth of your laughter,
the sky that beams lights of gold and orange,
your voice that rolls like music over the hills,
the sea that we splashed in that morn.

i am afraid, and love.
i love, and am afraid.

let me show you it's okay to be both.

//

this post is dedicated to you all because one hundred of you beautiful cupcakes decided to follow along. and it's also dedicated to the start of 2016, so it's appropriate :)

thank you thank you thank you my sweet little peas for ONE HUNDRED FOLLOWERS

((you can't see me right now but i'm like dancing all over the place))

i adore you all, and i'm so glad i made this journey with YOU.

i couldn't have asked for anyone better to cheer my days up with incredible comments, and read my posts, and appreciate my writing even when i didn't, and forgave my awful hiatus(es) when i didn't have anything i thought good enough to post. i might not have met you in real life but you, YES, you darling, are incredible.

i am so thankful to God for you!

and, darling, have a smashing 2016.

♥

ghosts of yesterday

tumblr

i fell in love with his eyes first, those sparkling green orbs that shone like the sea.
then, his hands. rough and brown from the years of war, silent painful stories buried in his veins.
next, his smile. that crooked and crinkly grin that slipped when he forgot his mask.

oh, the years we had together were the golden days. he brought me wild flowers from our backyard, scattered among the thorns so his hands got rougher as our home grew lovelier. and i loved them. he started school for the villagers in our little home, so we could spend time with the children we could never have. and i loved them, oh so much. he, both of us, worked so hard to make our life perfect, and for a time, it was.

we spent marvellous years together, but as he grew older, i watched as he slowly slipped into the untold stories of his war years. i would hold him as he woke up, forehead beading with sweat and eyes glowing with fear. i stroked his hand as the fever worsened and ebbed away and came back even stronger. i cried silently as the doctor gave me little hope to cling to, and cradled the head of curly brown.

and finally, when i was just another ghost from his yesterday, i told him to let go.

i buried him in our backyard, where he was the happiest gathering flowers to brighten my days. with only the wild flowers and thorns to watch him as he slept in peace for eternity.

((this is so sad but i guess it reminds me not to take any moment with loved ones for granted))
hope you had a meeeerry christmas! may God's love continue to shine in your lives.

y'all have all my love <3

xx

oh my soul, look & remember

from tumblr

sifting through the dust of yesterday
buried so deep it was hard to breathe
what do i say when words fail
and silence crushes my soul

i will look
to the sky, where Your glory lives
to the sea, where Your mercy washes
to the wind, where Your voice thunders
to the Babe, where Your love shines

i will remember
that when my lips fail to speak
and my body wastes away
when the daylight turns to stormy clouds
the cold waves fill the void

i will know
You are everlasting
perfect
my soul will rest in Your holy name

and upon my broken pieces
i will build my altar

whyyy, 'ello again. it's been a while, hasn't it? i'm so sorry i've been gone for ages, i have been struggling to write something delicious and beautiful for a while now and the words are just swirling in my head but i can't get them out. shoutout to writers/bloggers who can write things almost all the time 'cause y'all amazing. seriously it takes some serious talent. ;)

i went on an impromptu trip to visit my uncle out in the country, so maybe that's helped with inspiration heehee. i've missed you all, and i do realise i have A LOT of tags to catch up on (i'm so embarrassed, really ugh). but thank you all for sticking around on this journey. God has been so good to me and i'm just overwhelmed with His love. may you realise that this week as well Ü

sending so much love ♥

christmas? christmas.

i know this is almost two months too early, but it feels like Christmas today.

yeah, even though it's like 28ºC and humidity 71% with expected thunderstorms in the afternoon and no snow, it feels like Christmas.

i'm sitting here in my garden with the fresh smell of sunning clothes and a cup of homemade cold chrysanthemum tea and my brain keeps shouting christmas, christmas, christmas for some queer reason and i feel very, very happy. (honestly, i have no idea how stuff up there works.) even though i know I'll regret this in the afternoon when i have tons of exam studying to catch up on, i just wanted to take the time to appreciate today for the beauty that God placed everywhere.

i'm pretty sure it's because the awful hazy weather broke yesterday with early morning thunderstorms that cleared the air. i haven't seen the blue sky in ages, and it's absolutely glorious to behold. Christmas lullaby music is blaring sweetly in my earphones (we're on away in a manger now).

and i'm just so in awe that God knows exactly how to paint with the colours of nature. do you ever get that sometimes? and maybe it feels like Christmas because i'm once again exclaiming how marvellous God is and that's what Christmas is all about.

//update: i found an ant enjoying my tea.//

where to find yourself (ii.)

you'll find yourself in the quiet whispers of dawn

where the horizon spills with pastel magic

where the breeze bursts with hope

for a new day

is a new chance

to be you

you'll find yourself in the raging of the storm
where the rain dances down the window
in scattered patterns only you can see
and you'll let hate all out
and take love all back in

you'll find yourself where the seas meet the sand
where the wind cries glory, glory, glory
you will take a deep breath
and let the salty aura
tangle deep into your soul


/

you're lost now,

but go, find yourself

life is too short

to pretend to be someone else

♥
// part i. how to find a home //
// part ii. where to find yourself //

also, i'm TONS sorry for being MIA for so long. i finished my job attachment last friday, and had some final report thingies to submit and things got a little crazy. had lots of loose ends to tie up hehe.

gonna catch up with all the cool stuff y'all posted over this week <3<3 *HUGS*

p.s.: IT'S MY BIRTHDAY TODAY TOO WHEEE hehe.

hurrah for year eighteen! i'm so excited to see where the Lord will bring me in this upcoming year.

little things {16-25}

the little happy things: i.

16. Hugs (and more hugs).

17. Learning new things about people you love.
18. Wind that leaves you gasping for more.

19. Sleep.

20. The color of silence.
21. Blogs that shout "this.is.me."
22. Old friends.
23. Coffee and whipped cream..
24. Comfy clothes you look good in.
25. Smiling at a random stranger, and having them smile back.

Dance. Smile. Giggle. Marvel. Trust. Hope. Love. Wish. Believe. Most of all, enjoy every moment of the journey, and appreciate where you are at this moment instead of always focusing on how far you have to go.

mandy hale

The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass

it's so easy to forget the little things in life that make you live.

making lists are a good way of remembering them; i'd recommend it hehe ツ

have a lovely weekend, everyone

♥

hush, hush

/tumblr/

i'm sitting here, in the brightly-lit lobby. nerves tumbling, palms sweating, hands trembling. waiting for the clock to tell me that it's time. new things are hard to do, new people are hard to meet, new mistakes are hard to forgive.

the boy sits across the room, reclined on a chair, fingers absentmindedly stroking his guitar. i forget my nerves for a moment as i watch his fluid movements. the guitar is coloured like the earth i'm so familiar with, like the soil and dirt i want to be sitting on, laughing and smiling.

but i am here.

in this artificially clean and spotless place that is lit too brightly with fluorescent lights, making it hard to gaze into people's souls. my eyes hurt from the light reflecting off the shiny marble floor.

i leave and use the bathroom one, two, three times before i settle again on my chair. the fabric of my skirt is harsh against my thigh and my body is itching to be free again. the clock still has not moved and time has never moved more slowly.

the lobby empties of the morning crowd and soon, it is just me and the boy with the slender fingers stroking his guitar in a calming, rhythmic way. it's hypnotising, and i see the warm, fresh smell of earth surrounding each stroke as it dies away into the next. my heart beat slows from its excited state and falls into a pulsating pattern to match his movements.

the boy looks up. after what seems like eternity, our eyes break away and he stands up to leave.

i don't have to look back at the clock to know it's time.

//

i started job shadowing a local hospital on monday, and it has been such a great experience so far. this is something i drafted while waiting in the lobby on monday morning. every morning i wake up nervous about me screwing up and looking stupid, but at the same time excited at what i will learn. if you guys could keep me in prayer or in your thoughts i would appreciate it so, so much ♥♥

i honestly have so much love for you all *hugs*

the 777 challenge

tumblr magic

the 777 challenge

so dearest cally from words passing you by AND the awesome olivia from the summer of 1999 did the thing and TAGGED me for this uber awesome challenge i couldn't pass on.

*hands cally some pretty wildflowers from the mountain because she's a mountain girl*
*showers olivia with bagels & tea bags 'cause her /about/ page tells me she loves them*
(heehee ♥)

sorry if i missed anyone who tagged me! just let me know and i'll edit the post to give you some well-deserved cool things too<3<3

//

the rules are:

• share 7 lines from the 7th page of one of your manuscripts
• tag 7 bloggers

(cally said she "cheated" doing the challenge but i'm definitely doing it wayyy worse meh)

1. firstly, as much as it pains me to admit this, i do not have any legitimate manuscripts of long stories i wrote *cringes and waits for protests from riot crowds* yeah yeah, i know i love writing and everything but i don't actually have a manuscript (??) the closest i have is a book of quotes and thoughts i write down when i'm inspired.
2. secondly, because it's a scribble+doodle book, some of the pages are blank. so the closest i could get for a page seven was page eight *cries*
3. thirdly, i don't even have close to seven lines on that one page sigh. so i'm just sharing everything i wrote on that page.

well. that was a full confession of my failings at following a simple challenge (teehee). here is the long awaited line from my manuscript-that-isn't-really-a-manuscript:

and i cried for all the girls who wouldn't know how beautiful they looked when they woke up with bedheads and scars on their wrists and hearts and pillows damp with tears

i really hope you guys enjoyed this simple post! oh and before i forget, here are seven other amazing bloggers i will tag:

1. laurel from Laurel Crowned
2. ashy from A Piece of My Sky
3. arushee from Unadorned Gifts
4. jollygirl from Reflections of a Jolly Girl
5. bekah from Found and Cherished
6. tane from Fifth Out of Ten
7. rachel from Silent Shadows
8. YOU <3

(there we go. i broke every dang rule of this challenge, good grief, i'm a rebel.)

if y'all have already done it or are not able to for whatever reason, don't stress! ♥

sending so much love from over here *hugs*

Ü

you are worth every second

i will never tell you to stop because you deserve this dance beneath the stars, with the moon casting light on your slender figure and the waves lapping at your feet.

i will never tell you to wait because you are called to run further than i can ever imagine, to the well where the sun rests in gleaming pools and the water cascades into the rocky light.


and when you come back for me after five, ten, fifteen years, i'll be here waiting.

we will sit down for tea and you will ask me how i have been.

and i will say that i have never been better.

and you will do that smile again, and we will laugh and remember the old days and pretend that we could go back in time. but we can't, and we won't, and all we have now are memories of things long dead and buried.

we will visit our old graves and point to the fields where we lay in long ago with hands intertwined and heads tilted towards the sun.

we will do this, just you and me, and we will be happy.


then you will take off again into the unknown. too soon, too fast for me to say i loved, love, and will always love

you.

//

i hope you all enjoyed reading this as much as i enjoyed writing it!

have a beautiful weekend, everyone.

sending so much love from over here *hugs* ♥

to credit the bloggers for the idea to this piece will take exceptionally long because everyone i've been reading has been so inspiring of late ♥♥ this is the result of reading all of y'all blogs and going "ugh, my heart" every.single.time. but i want to give an special mention to ADDY for her three little pigs post because that has been the main inspiration for this. ♥ (okay this is really ramble-y now, i'll stop *grins*).

b • r • e • a • t • h • e

tumblr love

breathe.

eat some ice cream.

look up and count the clouds.

breathe.

close your eyes against the sun.

see the black swimming against your eyelids before--

breathe.

it's funny how quiet things are in your mind.

the world, there's too much.

breathe.

noise.

it's too harsh and bright. not now.

breathe.

ouch. your legs have gone numb.
how long have you been here?

breathe.

if you stopped moving long enough

will the world stop?

breathe?

(yes, breathe.

don't stop; that's good.)

breathe.

the word breathe sounds funny here.

it sounds light and passing and trivial.

breathe.

it doesn't sound like it will last.

not forever, anyways.

breathe.

how long will yours last?

long enough to make more people smile, you hope.

breathe.

you feel the sun warming the grass.

it's time to wake up.

//

askdsdjkkjl

to be honest, i don't even know what i just wrote.

just some random thoughts and feelings floating around in me that i had to write down.

i just had to pen it down even if it doesn't just quite make sense, you know that feel? ツ

comment your thoughts on this piece below, pretty please? :) ♥

i really, really want to hear what you think of it!

♥♥♥

it's a long wait for those you love

he smells of home

and of sea spray and salt,
and of wood and pain and empty rum bottles

but mostly
just home

he said he would be back

"before you forget me"
he teased

(i could never forget a part of me)

he jumped out and swam back
to hug me again
so i could breathe him in
and remember


it has been a while
a long, long while
since i waved goodbye from the docks

but that's okay
i'm still waiting for my home to return

//

above pictures were taken by le moi in Lake District, this gorgeous place in UK.
(isn't it beautiful though??)

p.s.: also, i have been reading lots of pirate and captain hook-like stories lately, hence the source of inspiration for this post *grins* thanks for reading, you lovely people ♥♥