here's a piece of my heart | part i.

image from tumblr

7.15am again, and I am sitting precariously on the rusty chair of this forlorn coffee shop.

You are sitting across the table and every fibre in my body is straining to keep my eyes on the steam wistfully pooling around the cup's rim. Because I can't swim and your eyes are too deep for me to stay afloat.

I crack a joke and cringe as it falls flat, but you must know that humour is my self defence because you laugh and ask if everything's going on alright.

And for that moment I almost lose myself. I want tell you everything I know. That you make me feel like the most beautiful person when I'm around you. That the stars shine the brightest in your eyes when you laugh. That π is a perfect name for your dog. That even though I teach formulas for a living, I'll never begin to solve the puzzle of how I fell for the lonely man in the coffee shop.

But I don't, because you are grinning again and I know my story is a sad one, one that would stain your smile and hang heavily on your heart.

So I sit there and laugh like I'm fine as we joke over simpler things that matter less and gaze at the town as it slowly wakens through the frosted windows. And for that moment I can pretend that all is well with the world.

[ at 8.00am I leave ]

//

HELLO MY DEAREST PEOPLE. I'm so sorry for dropping off the face of this planet but college has been incredible (but crazy, incredible crazy, crazily incredible, heh) so I haven't been around this space forever. I've missed this but it takes awhile to start my writing engine again. I'm thinking of having a part 2 (!!) so hang around for it alright!! Hope your holidays have been going on beautifully; I know mine has ♥ I"VE MISSED THIS SO MUCH AKSAJDSJDKLSJDA it's good to be back (for however long, it's still good.)

field of dreams

the colours leak from the shadows
and a faint lavender glow is scattered through the field
i am here--
again.
i lick my cracked lips
and then sit
before the silence strangles me,

it is the time before darkness and light
the moon slowly melts into the paled sky
the lost dreams are creeping back into night
my heart, strange and hollow
i can feel it--
aching,

i want to scream into the horizon
with its fading stars
and tell them--
wait.
i have no words left in me
and no strength left to shout,

but i am the girl that chased tomorrow!
i saw the wells of light at the end of the worlds
i cried for all the broken dreams
and laughed at the ones that bloomed
i am freckled with sun
bathed with tears
i've seen the sky cry at dusk
and the ocean spilt by lightning,

why have i come to this field?
i can't quite--
remember.
there are dead visions buried here
i know it,
the air is filled with tears and sleepless nights
i can taste them on my tongue,

i come to realise
as the time crawls by
that i am just another shadow passing
a ghost of a happier time
sent to watch this field of death
and mourn for my lost--
dream,

//

i hope you like this; i've been thinking a lot about deaths of visions, & how God works through them.

continue to keep me in prayer!

i've been busy with college apps & interviews & internships & all the (ahem) fun stuff hahaha.

i'll definitely be popping in and posting/reading your fab posts as much as i can! <3

so much love xx

ghosts of yesterday

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i fell in love with his eyes first, those sparkling green orbs that shone like the sea.
then, his hands. rough and brown from the years of war, silent painful stories buried in his veins.
next, his smile. that crooked and crinkly grin that slipped when he forgot his mask.

oh, the years we had together were the golden days. he brought me wild flowers from our backyard, scattered among the thorns so his hands got rougher as our home grew lovelier. and i loved them. he started school for the villagers in our little home, so we could spend time with the children we could never have. and i loved them, oh so much. he, both of us, worked so hard to make our life perfect, and for a time, it was.

we spent marvellous years together, but as he grew older, i watched as he slowly slipped into the untold stories of his war years. i would hold him as he woke up, forehead beading with sweat and eyes glowing with fear. i stroked his hand as the fever worsened and ebbed away and came back even stronger. i cried silently as the doctor gave me little hope to cling to, and cradled the head of curly brown.

and finally, when i was just another ghost from his yesterday, i told him to let go.

i buried him in our backyard, where he was the happiest gathering flowers to brighten my days. with only the wild flowers and thorns to watch him as he slept in peace for eternity.

((this is so sad but i guess it reminds me not to take any moment with loved ones for granted))
hope you had a meeeerry christmas! may God's love continue to shine in your lives.

y'all have all my love <3

xx

you are worth every second

i will never tell you to stop because you deserve this dance beneath the stars, with the moon casting light on your slender figure and the waves lapping at your feet.

i will never tell you to wait because you are called to run further than i can ever imagine, to the well where the sun rests in gleaming pools and the water cascades into the rocky light.


and when you come back for me after five, ten, fifteen years, i'll be here waiting.

we will sit down for tea and you will ask me how i have been.

and i will say that i have never been better.

and you will do that smile again, and we will laugh and remember the old days and pretend that we could go back in time. but we can't, and we won't, and all we have now are memories of things long dead and buried.

we will visit our old graves and point to the fields where we lay in long ago with hands intertwined and heads tilted towards the sun.

we will do this, just you and me, and we will be happy.


then you will take off again into the unknown. too soon, too fast for me to say i loved, love, and will always love

you.

//

i hope you all enjoyed reading this as much as i enjoyed writing it!

have a beautiful weekend, everyone.

sending so much love from over here *hugs* ♥

to credit the bloggers for the idea to this piece will take exceptionally long because everyone i've been reading has been so inspiring of late ♥♥ this is the result of reading all of y'all blogs and going "ugh, my heart" every.single.time. but i want to give an special mention to ADDY for her three little pigs post because that has been the main inspiration for this. ♥ (okay this is really ramble-y now, i'll stop *grins*).

it's a long wait for those you love

he smells of home

and of sea spray and salt,
and of wood and pain and empty rum bottles

but mostly
just home

he said he would be back

"before you forget me"
he teased

(i could never forget a part of me)

he jumped out and swam back
to hug me again
so i could breathe him in
and remember


it has been a while
a long, long while
since i waved goodbye from the docks

but that's okay
i'm still waiting for my home to return

//

above pictures were taken by le moi in Lake District, this gorgeous place in UK.
(isn't it beautiful though??)

p.s.: also, i have been reading lots of pirate and captain hook-like stories lately, hence the source of inspiration for this post *grins* thanks for reading, you lovely people ♥♥

eternity in one moment | it's fiction time (v.)

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meeting you again that day was like eternity compressed into one moment. it was like an adrenaline rush of memories that left me breathless. you might have caught me off guard, and i've told myself over and over again not to be caught surprised. but i did. and i guess it's okay, you know. it's fine to mess up sometimes. thinking back, i wonder if i might have surprised you as well.

i know ever since then, we've changed. you've changed, just look at you. but i don't want to change. i want to still live in the past. maybe it's selfish and, worse still, maybe you think i'm selfish, but that doesn't change it. your eyes tell me to live in the now. let's just move on, you say. but do you know how hard it is for me to move on? moving on means pushing memories away, it means forgetting. and i don't want to forget. it's too much to me to forget. i want to remember every single moment forever.

you know, the idea of eternity scares me sometimes. maybe because my mind can't comprehend it. maybe it's too vast and wide and abstract for me to grasp. but i think, that day when i met you again, it was almost like eternity, in one split second.

|| eternity flies ||

found this in my old drafts. i don't know why i never posted it, but here it is now!

oh, it's chinese new year and i'm in malaysia having way too much food and sleeping too much.

whatever, judge if you will ;)

have a beautiful day xxx.

storm of lies | it's fiction time (iv.)

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let the words burn as they leave your throat
chilling the air around you
he asked for it, no one can blame
your patience that is worn
so thin

let the seas roar as they rush
down, down
to the pool beneath your feet
no apologies, not now
not ever

let the skies rumble as black clouds darken
eyes like a storm of grey
turn, turn
you are the eye of the storm
calm and raging

let the wind howl
let the storm rage
let your love be lost in the gale
it has happened before
it will happen again

but you will learn to love once more

inspired by:

It’s funny, you only really know what someone thinks of you

when you know what lies they’ve told you.

-doctor who-


today has been a cold, drear day and it felt appropriate to be inspired for this.
and bazinga! it's already february. craaazy.

hope you like this piece as much as i liked to write it
xx.

stars | it's fiction time (iii.)

i sat

i watched

i counted the stars

alone, when my heart was heavy

i sat

gazing through an open window

i watched the people pass

they're nothing like the stars

i sat

i watched

and counted the stars

that night i saw you pass

you whistled, carefree

the wind was cool

the air was light

and i smiled

all was well

i sat

and watched

as you pass again

but you stopped and turned

pushed along by the wind of fate

you saw me and smiled

frank, and genuine

beautiful

something i had never felt

blew along that breezy cool night

you asked

i blushed

but said yes all the same

what did you know of the girl you saw

who had nothing to hold on to but the stars?

you climbed up

and sat by me

silence of the beautiful kind

filled the air

now we sit

we watch

we count the stars

together, when our hearts are heavy

we laugh, we cry

more beautiful silence fills the air

the world stands still

but the stars shine on

f o r e v e r


inspired by:

"rescue me, chin boy, and show me the stars."

-clara oswald, doctor who-

#originalpoetry
all images courtesy of tumblr

(i watched guardians of the galaxy (FINALLY) yesterday and asjklwqeopterehncjjdhd IT WAS GOOD.)

(thanks for all the nominations! i'll be doing them soon.)

xxx.

softly we tread

softly we tread
on the stars of dreams
escaped
from deepest slumber


softly we tiptoe
the dreams are waking
colors
leaking from the shadows



softly we tread
past the darkness
back into light


s  o  f  t  l  y

x-x-x

my sister and had a brainwave today and came up with a song that totally matched these words. such a beautiful beautiful tune. can't wait to see if i can share it with you lovelies xx.

#sostoked

imagine | conversations in my head (ii.)

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if you grade me from one to ten, where would i fall?

into my a r m s

x-x-x-x-x-x-x

you know how sometimes, there are these little imaginary conversations in your head that just stick around. i get them all the time, and because i don't know where else to share them, i'm starting a blog series called:

what do you lovely people think? 

i'm tagged! (the this or that tag)

So.

{I just had to include this picture, sorry. It's so happy.}

I want to give a big shoutout (complete with firecrackers and colorful jellies) to Natasha from Savoring Each Moment and Neeli Vancore from A World of Randomness. They awarded me with the This or That Tag (!!!) and they're amazing so go check out their blogs :)

And just a note, they awarded me this like ages ago but I didn't have time to do it till now (I know, terrible, but I was having exams, so that excuse would have to suffice).

Hair up or down? I'm good with both. But hair definitely up on hot days. Dessert or fruit? Dessert for me, anytime. Unless the dessert is a fruit, which I'm totally okay with. On another note, I've been making gluten free apple crisps like nobody's business and love it so so much. Can I just say how good it is cold or hot? It's de-licious, and so flippin' easy to make. Okay I'm done. :) Dress or shirt and sweatpants? Depends on the occasion. I way prefer t-shirts and sweatpants, though. Comfort is top of my list. One Direction or Jonas Brothers? ...I'm going to have to say One Direction, just because I'm not to familiar with the Jonas Brothers. That being said, I ain't a directioner okay. But (to pacify you Directioners), they have great voices. :) Radio or iPod? iPod for me please.

Sleepover at your house or at a friend's house? Friends. Just because my house is probably too full of siblings prying through cracks in the walls and listening at keyholes to have a proper sleepover. And too many little ones to be too crazy at night without bringing down the wrath of The Mother upon us (ha ha). Cookies or apples? Is this even like a valid question. It would be cookies, duh. *chants* cookies! cookies! cookies! I love Cookie Monster by the way. <3<3<3 Oh, and Subway cookies as well.  Playing cards or painting? Neither. I don't play cards, and I can't paint or draw or do anything that requires me to portray realistic things. I can do impressionistic doodling though. (!!!) In a board game, would you rather be a green or a white piece? GREEN. SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT. Sorry, I just had to say that. I don't really care about the color actually. I would rather take a bar of chocolate and use bits of it as pieces (of course I have to eat it as I go, otherwise it's no fun). (But then it'll melt and get the board and everything sticky, so.)

I'll be posting updates for what has been going on these past few (silent months) in a few days. Life has been busy, fun, crazy exciting. Like a roller-coaster ride. Which I love. Anyways, have a great summer! Go do something amazing.

xx.

just tell me you're alright | it's fiction time (i.)

via | typography by me

a single tear worked its way down his high cheekbones.

he stole a glance at her. good, her gaze was turned towards the setting sun in the distance.

he hurriedly brushed it away, frustrated at his lack of control over his emotions and at the entire world in general.

she was the only girl he'd come this close to crying in front of, partly because she never judged him and partly because she was a cast-out in school. who would be ashamed in front of those whom were repeated cast aside, rejected, and unloved? he wasn't. she was his friend, albeit a secret friend. his friends could never hear of this. crying in front of a girl, or hanging out with a cast-out--he wasn't sure which was worse. he'd lose his position in his circle of friends if that happened.

"i was adopted you know," she interrupts his thoughts gently.

yes, he knew. that was one of the many reasons why she wasn't well-loved in school. she was an orphan living with a poor family on the edge of town. it was rumored her father had embezzled large amounts of money and died in a skirmish with the police. nobody knew who her mother was. once again he wondered why he was even talking to her. it could destroy all the friendships he ever knew. he kept silent.

"i don't know who my parents are, or whether they ever wanted me," she continued, "and that hurts."

"at least you know your parents love you," she added softly.

he looked up to search her dark eyes, not sure if he'd find envy and jealously. for him. or pity for her own portion in life. 

but her eyes were soft and...was that a hint of contentment? they were definitely peaceful considering the amount of hardships she had to bear at such a young age.

he had never look into her eyes before. at least, not since the day she found him by the stream, disconsolate and seething with rage. he'd only looked into her eyes out of surprise that she had found him. that was his secret spot, and apparently, it had been hers as well.

"some things you'll never miss until they're gone. and other things it'll take you years to realize you can live without."

her sigh that followed was highlighted with sadness and regret.

"you know if you talk in a more direct way, it'll help with your reputation in school.

just tell me directly that you want me to love my family more and pay less attention to what my friends think."

turning her eyes to hold his gaze, she murmured reproachfully, "it's not only your family. or your friends."

he was trying to figure out what she meant when she stood abruptly and stretched her legs.

"i gotta go, kevin. there's lots of work to be done." she laughed ruefully. "and i don't think you would want to be seen with me since your friends are on their way up the hill."

his friends.

sake's alive he could hear them now. was he really so deep in thought that he didn't hear that ruckus?

"thanks for the heads up, kate. i was just wondering, what did you mean when..."

he looked up, but she had fled down the hill.

he sighed.

 just imagine | ♥ it's fiction time

//

my attempt at writing fiction. the thoughts just flowed out and i rediscovered my love for writing.

i will probably continue this story when i find the time and inspiration :)

on another note: i have been swamped with school, and will be busy until end of may.

i'll be getting some guest posters though, and post when i'm free(ish). and a new blog design is on the way--so excited! :)

something different

doesn't this just kill it. with the honey sugar strawberries and whatever thing is at the bottom (cake maybe)
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someone asked me the other day, "so how does it feel turning another year older?" i don't know, but i think it feels more tiring and exhilarating. oxymoron-ish maybe but true all the same. you get more responsibilities, yes more freedom but more duties to fulfill. more expectations to life than ever before, especially in the teen years. there is this certain expectancy that i have to be more mature maybe, less fooling around. is that the stereotype? i don't know, but i don't feel like growing up just yet. i want to delay it for a bit and enjoy my childhood. do some fun stuff, you know, like dancing in the rain, dressing up, run around with a bright green balloon. fun stuff, kiddie activities.

the other day, some close family friends and i met up at the airport for dinner. it had been a while since we had this get-together so we had a good time. the little ones wanted to go for slides, so we brought them and took the skytrain just for fun. it had been so long since i did kiddie things like prance around in the skytrain and pretend it was a spaceship leaving earth (not saying i did though). we got to the slides still in one piece and watched the little kids scream and slide down, cheering for them as they reached the end. then one of us (ahem) had the brilliant idea. since we were below two meters, we could go for it...and couldn't we though? so we waited for our turns and tried to avoid the awkward stares for other teens walking past the slides. not to mention the entire time we were giggling. then we did it. slid down all the way, screaming and cheering and laughing. reminiscing the days when we were just kids.

so i've compiled a list of sixteen things (somewhere up there in a new page) that i aim to do by next year 15th october 2014. no promises that i'll do everything, but i'll try (especially since some of them i'm almost sure i cannot get them done).

so tally-ho, thus opens year 16.

the little happy things {1-15}

1. when the strangers you smile at smile back

2. screaming and cheering during games

3. looking into people's eyes and seeing something you never saw before

4. picking up the school vibe

5. listening to disney music

6. rainy afternoons curled up in your bed

7. colorful stationary and accessories that make you happy

8. smelling coffee brewing in the kitchen on a rainy day

9. having blurry conversations before dropping off to sleep

10. eating the best cookies two days in a row

11. daydreaming about nothing much, really
12. yelling singing out favorite music in random situations
13. scraping off the whipped cream from the cake and eating it
14. when your brother tells you you're pretty
15. listening over and over again the chords of a beautifully sad song

//

{inspired by jenn}

today is prissy's birthday. happy birthday darling. you're an awesome leetle sister and i just wanted you to know that ♥

once upon another moon

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once upon another time, when we were so close. when we shared our hearts, lives, and dreams. when we truth-or-dared one another with dire consequences. when we dreamed about the future. when we silently cursed growing up because it brought us further apart. (when i dreaded it even more and cried for quite a while.)

it's a full moon tonight. not just any moon. but the deep, wax-yellow moon with the halo of light around it, just as how it was always had been. as i stared up at it, the beautiful wax-yellow light it shed, i remembered. i remembered how our families used to eat together so often, and the stupid random funny conversations we had. my inside ached for the times. a breeze caught my hair and played with it for a while. i breathed deeply. breathed in that familiar smell of balmy nights laughing and teasing. breathed in the memories and let them sink. sink right down into the bottom of my heart, where i hoped they would be kept forever and always.

bittersweet. isn't that the word they use to describe chocolate? maybe that would fit us. we were bittersweet. sometimes nice, other times not so. and because we were, the memories became that too. they were bittersweet, capable of evoking a sense of warmth but all too capable of bringing hurt. but bittersweet all the same.

//

i thought of many people while writing this.

many people, but mainly t.c.b. and q.w.

ps: thanks for all the lovely comments. you all are darlings, and if you haven't any time to do the blog challenge thingamajig, then no worries :) love you all ♥♥