a raw collection of words from my heart

24.12.13

on the eve of christmas

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christmas.

christ-mas.

even the word has such a beautiful sound to it. it whispers hope, love, and peace. it excites dreams of lights, fragrance, and joy. i think christmas is really my favorite word.

it's also my favorite season and holiday. there are many reasons why. maybe it's because of the presents and gifts. or maybe it's the atmosphere of joy and laughter. perhaps the old-time favorite carols and newer upbeat songs make me bubble inside with happiness. ah, maybe it's the smell of all sorts of delicious things baking and cooking. but mainly it is the contentment and fulfillment of joy that He came down for me, something that i {usually} tend to take for granted in the busy, unimportant details of everyday life.

this year's christmas isn't exactly the best i've had. stress + not enough rest + too much nonsense snacking = a suspected inflation of dermatitis herpetiformis on some of my fingers. in addition, life has been busy and crazy. no christmas tree, or christmas decorations this year for us. no time to put them up, no time to contemplate the true reason why this season exist, no time, no time, no time. i've been using the "i'm busy" line too much, i think it's becoming an excuse. and excuse for something that never existed. i do have the time. i'm just not actively seeking it out.

christmas is becoming a holiday for me. not a time of rest and reflection, but just another holiday that is madly packed with presents to buy, things to do, stuff to see, cards to make, songs to practice, and no time at all to ponder why i even celebrate it. 

it's christmas eve. the shopping is done, presents are bought, choir practice is over, and i'm sitting resting and thinking {and blogging because it helps me sort my mind out}. the Greatest Light of all has come down to save men from the biggest enemy of all--their own sins. born of a virgin, was a hundred percent God and hundred percent man, fulfilled prophecies hundred of years before His birth--humanly impossible and logically unreasonable. but for the Creator of all, what is impossible? and i wholeheartedly believe that that's the story of christmas. the love of God manifest. the blind made to see, and the impossible made possible.



dear you | have a beautiful christmas 

17.12.13

the most beautiful person

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"you know when you sometimes meet someone so beautiful, and when you actually talk to them and five minutes later they are as dull as a brick? then there's other people, when you meet them you think, "not bad. they're okay." and then you get to know them and their face just sort of becomes them. like their personality's written all over it.
and they just turn into something so beautiful."

amy pond | quote via dr. who


you know how this happens sometimes?
you notice those flashy, gorgeous people and think they're amazing.
but after hanging around them for a while, you realize how shallow they are.
maybe they have something deeper that you have to dig a little harder to get,
but they just don't seem very impressive after a few conversations.

but there are these other people.
the ones that become more beautiful after each conversation.
the ones that you never looked at twice about when you glanced across the room.
the ones that you never spoke to enough.
you said "hi" to them once or twice, and never thought about it again.

but then you see them more, and you start talking to them more out of necessity than want.
then you start to see things you've never noticed about them before.
(and to me, this is the best part of friendships)

for the first time, you notice their eye color.
you realize how deep their eyes are.
you suddenly see how beautiful they are when they smile.
the way they hug their siblings,
or help their friends.

their face becomes them.

then you start to realize how much you have in common.
you start enjoying conversations with them,
and when they leave, it seems
like a part of you left with them.
you're more than simply "friends" now,
you've become kindred spirits.
and it'll take something stronger than legions of mighty armies to break that bond.


faces are just faces,
until they become a person.

11.12.13

my book people

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i'm the kind of person who understands people in books wayyy more than people in real life. but i'm not that typical kind that is an introvert, shy to speak. i'm loud; noisy, to say the least. i enjoy public speaking, performing in skits, and speaking to new people. strangely, though, i find myself identifying more with the people in books. they're my kindred spirits; people i've never seen, but always known. recently, i've been having a trying time, but books just whisk me away to another world. and the book people, it's like they identify with exactly how i feel. it's like they are me. you know the feeling when people don't understand you, and you don't try very hard to understand them back? i'm a little like that. i must say, though, i have some precious friends are exactly like the book people. they understand. and i've some other friends who just make me laugh and don't expect me to say anything in return. they're amazing. just like the book people. sometimes, i even dream up my very own book people. someday perhaps i'll share them with you lovelies.

i've found a book person unlike one i've never had before. i've not used to having an old, dying man as one of my book people, but (surprisingly/shockingly/astonishingly) yes, i do. as of yesterday night.

maybe some background would help. i was feeling terrible that night. nothing (and when i say nothing, i mean literally nothing) was going right. and i had to clean a pile of dishes and take out the trash, while the little sibs (amazing at times, not so at others) were cleaning the table way too slow for my liking. you know those days. naturally, i was feeling m.i.s.e.r.a.b.l.e. it was then that i found him.

his name, is ivan ilych. he is the main character in leo tolstoy's the death of ivan ilych. i know, he was a dying, grumpy, old man. grouchy, bad-tempered, ready to bite anyone and anything, with his health in bad shape. and i was like, minus out the dying and sick part--that's me. so that's how i got to know him. he hated everyone because he saw them all as liars. they were simply trying to make him feel better and tell him lies about his health condition. he knew they all wanted him dead a.s.a.p. because he was becoming burdensome and he simply hated that hypocritical-ness.

but he meets this other young man who comes to care for him. gerasim, he's called. he was immediately added to my family of book people. he's bubbling with life. he's honest, frank, and joy simply exudes out of him. ivan ilych enjoys his presence immensely, and when gerasim leaves, both ivan and i felt an extreme sense of regret and sadness. gerasim brought with him something that exuded even through the words and into my self. joy. he cheered ivan ilych and me up. and some people might find that strange that i can be so affected by a book like that. but i do, and i am. ivan learns to let bitterness and hate go, and dies happy and peaceful. the story was beautiful. although tolstoy didn't talk much about gerasim after that brief chapter, well, i believe that he impacted ivan. and me as well.

so go. even if you identify perfectly fine with real people, go find some book people to meet. or make up your own if you're good at writing. because sometimes, God uses them to bring joy to your day.


joy will come in the morning || ♥

8.12.13

peter pan and the paradox of growing up

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when i was little, i loved peter pan. he was amazing, and i felt a thrill rush through me every time i watched wendy and the two boys escape to neverland with him. i never really understand why peter pan didn't want to grow up; i was dying to. i wanted to be old enough to go out and see the world, dress up, put on makeup, and wear heels. but now, i can see why growing up can be painful.

growing up is a thing i have to face always, on a daily basis. frankly, it often scares me stiff when i picture me in five, ten years. or even in the next few months. only four more years to twenty, and sixteen years have passed by just as quickly as the wind blows. adulthood staring me in the face, beckoning at times and yet, frightening at others. i'm not sure i'm ready for it. there are so many more responsibilities when you're grown up. more privileges, yes, but certainly more responsibilities as well. many i was just too idealistic when i was younger. adulthood isn't all that carefree as i pictured it. and sometimes i wish i could just do nothing and slouch around on the couch, eating chips (i might just end up with a bigger belly this holidays), and sleep. but that's not reality.

i don't want to grow up, and yet i want to. it's a paradox (don't you just love that word? the creators of the english language were poetic even in the phonetics) that i have to face. i want freedom and excitement and fun that adulthood brings, but i don't want the responsibilities and cares. i know that's terrible, because i need be be able to handle these sort of things. that's why it always comforts me when i remember that i can cast all my cares on Him, for He can and will carry me through. it's beautiful, really, when i think about it.

p.s: read a post i wrote over summer on growing up.


2.12.13

hope

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hope
is the sunlight spilling over the edge of the horizon
the faint breeze tickling the dew-stained grass
it's a baby's first cry
the empty tomb
the reason today is worth living

hope
is love unparalleled
it's faith in the unknown
trust in the unseen
belief in the unfound


h o p e
the medicine for depression
the cure for bitterness
the life-long pursuit the world seeks
if found in the Him,
it's the only ingredient needed for true happiness

sometimes,
i forget
the hope i have
until it's gone
then i remember.

nothing hurts more than crushed hope.


hope deferred makes the heart sick
but when the desire comes,
it is a tree of life
-proverbs 13:12-