in reckless abandon

Here I am.

Carrying in my arms the broken shards of things I loved and fell apart. The sharp edges have torn my arms and the wounds are a tender shade of scarlet, and I know that scarlet is a colour fit for a King. I have no right to bear these scars, but I have nowhere else to turn.

I pass the place where old dreams are buried and where the air hangs heavy with ghosts of the past clinging to me in the thick mist–

I will walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

and fear no evil, for You are with me.

My heart is shaking as I look for You through the fog, afraid to find Your sorrowful eyes but longing to see You. I am too frail and too weak, and this journey is too long and painful, Lord–this I know all too well.

And as the trail tapers off into a large field, I find myself left with nothing but my broken pieces and my tears and the dirt beneath me. Through the ebbing fog, I see the shadow of an altar.

And blindly, I stumble towards it, heart heavy with tears and with a million words I do not know how to say. The broken shards have begun to shred my bloodied skin again, but this time the pain is heavier and sharper, as if they somehow knew I was trying to let them go. Broken shards of a self-righteous life I cannot let go of; I know that with every tear of my skin I am getting weaker.

A familiar figure cuts through the thick fog, but I cannot move. I can only sit and wait as silent cries shake my body, desperate to be saved from myself. There are moments you never forget, and as He gazed down upon me, with so much sorrow and beauty and compassion piercing through to my soul, I tasted Love for the first time.

O! The sweetness of His gaze and warmth of Love! Nothing I had been promised in my old life even came close. It seemed like centuries ago when I had revelled and made my living off the self-absorbed "love" the world served in sickening excess.

And in reckless abandon, He reached out to me, despite the heavy stench of dried blood and flaking mud around me, to take everything, the pain and the tears and the remnants of my former self, even as they tore His beautiful body. Blood flowed richly and freely and a cry of pain and aguish left His lips. I cowered, but He did not draw back until He had taken every sliver of my sin and laid them on the altar beside Himself. The ultimate sacrifice, the holy & the perfect Lamb, to save me from destroying myself.

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound! 

That saved a wretch like me.

/postscript/

I really, truly try to love Him in my own twisted human, carnal way, but I cannot do it. I cannot love Him enough to bend my own stubborn, proud heart to His will. I cannot love Him enough to fill my mind with His words. I cannot love Him enough to kill my own sinful habits that chain me to my flesh.

And though my heart cries in bondage, it steadily refuses to budge. The irony never fails to amaze me and fill me with such despair.


But His Love is too great—so great that He sent His Son down to die on the cross to save my small, pitiful heart bent on destroying myself. Love so great that He turned away from His only begotten Son when my sins were laid on Him. O Lord! Enlarge my heart I pray. I do not deserve Your love, that I know, but neither do You deserve my pale, weak heart that very often beats for something else.

And I come back again to the beginning—disappointment is a harsh term. I try not to think about it so much, but if I am disappointed with how often my wandering heart strays, to think of the disappointment He has in my unfaithfulness. My heart trembles at the grace that has been lavished on me, and marvels at His faithfulness, steady throughout the generations.

/

And with that I end, a sinner that has been liberated from the snares of sin but who often forgets the costliness of the free gift she has received. Perhaps this is but a pitiful attempt at reminding herself of how undeserving she is of His love and how willing He is to pursue her wandering heart, but isn't this the beauty in the story of redemption? And this weary soul can only say hallelujah. All glory be given to the One who saves.

/

This post has been perhaps the most painful and important one I've written yet. It's taken me months and months (close to half a year, or more) to finally conclude this and get the words and the story right and I know I'm a week late for Easter Sunday, but I thought I might share this anyways (hurhur). And isn't it only right that I have a very long postscript to be attached to this post? HAHAHA. You can take it as my attempt to apologise and make up for the lack of content on this space (hehe), but really, every word I say is straight from my heart. I've said this one too many times, but thank you, thank you, thank you for being here.

oh my soul, look & remember

from tumblr

sifting through the dust of yesterday
buried so deep it was hard to breathe
what do i say when words fail
and silence crushes my soul

i will look
to the sky, where Your glory lives
to the sea, where Your mercy washes
to the wind, where Your voice thunders
to the Babe, where Your love shines

i will remember
that when my lips fail to speak
and my body wastes away
when the daylight turns to stormy clouds
the cold waves fill the void

i will know
You are everlasting
perfect
my soul will rest in Your holy name

and upon my broken pieces
i will build my altar

whyyy, 'ello again. it's been a while, hasn't it? i'm so sorry i've been gone for ages, i have been struggling to write something delicious and beautiful for a while now and the words are just swirling in my head but i can't get them out. shoutout to writers/bloggers who can write things almost all the time 'cause y'all amazing. seriously it takes some serious talent. ;)

i went on an impromptu trip to visit my uncle out in the country, so maybe that's helped with inspiration heehee. i've missed you all, and i do realise i have A LOT of tags to catch up on (i'm so embarrassed, really ugh). but thank you all for sticking around on this journey. God has been so good to me and i'm just overwhelmed with His love. may you realise that this week as well Ü

sending so much love ♥

the 777 challenge

tumblr magic

the 777 challenge

so dearest cally from words passing you by AND the awesome olivia from the summer of 1999 did the thing and TAGGED me for this uber awesome challenge i couldn't pass on.

*hands cally some pretty wildflowers from the mountain because she's a mountain girl*
*showers olivia with bagels & tea bags 'cause her /about/ page tells me she loves them*
(heehee ♥)

sorry if i missed anyone who tagged me! just let me know and i'll edit the post to give you some well-deserved cool things too<3<3

//

the rules are:

• share 7 lines from the 7th page of one of your manuscripts
• tag 7 bloggers

(cally said she "cheated" doing the challenge but i'm definitely doing it wayyy worse meh)

1. firstly, as much as it pains me to admit this, i do not have any legitimate manuscripts of long stories i wrote *cringes and waits for protests from riot crowds* yeah yeah, i know i love writing and everything but i don't actually have a manuscript (??) the closest i have is a book of quotes and thoughts i write down when i'm inspired.
2. secondly, because it's a scribble+doodle book, some of the pages are blank. so the closest i could get for a page seven was page eight *cries*
3. thirdly, i don't even have close to seven lines on that one page sigh. so i'm just sharing everything i wrote on that page.

well. that was a full confession of my failings at following a simple challenge (teehee). here is the long awaited line from my manuscript-that-isn't-really-a-manuscript:

and i cried for all the girls who wouldn't know how beautiful they looked when they woke up with bedheads and scars on their wrists and hearts and pillows damp with tears

i really hope you guys enjoyed this simple post! oh and before i forget, here are seven other amazing bloggers i will tag:

1. laurel from Laurel Crowned
2. ashy from A Piece of My Sky
3. arushee from Unadorned Gifts
4. jollygirl from Reflections of a Jolly Girl
5. bekah from Found and Cherished
6. tane from Fifth Out of Ten
7. rachel from Silent Shadows
8. YOU <3

(there we go. i broke every dang rule of this challenge, good grief, i'm a rebel.)

if y'all have already done it or are not able to for whatever reason, don't stress! ♥

sending so much love from over here *hugs*

Ü

/bitterness/

it all starts in the little things. the things that no one sees or cares about. but you do. you remember them. and you keep them in the little sealed drawer at the back of your heart, and you leave it, thinking it won't matter. but then it gets bigger, and the little drawer starts to grow. little things suddenly become big, and you wonder why nobody but you notices, why nobody listens or wants to listen to you.

and then your anger builds. slowly at first, but then faster and faster and faster. it spins out of control, and you feel mistreated in every circumstance. you ponder and mull on it at night. your hands rip pieces of paper into shreds. you glare and punch the bedpost, until you just wind up crying on the floor. and everything seems to lose its meaning. even the bluest sky seems sad. colours don't hold as much meaning as before. love is meaningless. pain is fresh and sharp.

the scary thing is, you don't know you're hurtling towards bitterness, like a ship being hurtled by the waves into the jagged rocks. it spins out of control, leaving you breathless, with a stubborn, bitter heart.

and no one can heal it but Jesus.

just a reminder for myself to let go, and let God.

found this in my old posts; reposting it because i'm needing this reminder.

and also because i'm suffering from an acute writer's block right now.

it's like the worst thing ever to want to write something but being unable to write anything. 

ugh, anyone have any tips for overcoming writer's block?

maybe more chocolate? (ha)

imperfection + happy (belated) v-day

(i know i just posted yesterday, but i did pre-write this post specifically for v-day, so haha.

whatever, in any case, i hope you enjoy reading it as much as i enjoyed writing it xx)

i am not perfect.

Sometimes, I find myself having to constantly

Replay this little phrase in my head.

i am not perfect. i am not perfect.

Thoughts of anger

and bitterness swell,

They steal the joy for

others' triumphs,

They wrangle the contentment

at the simple joys of life.

i cannot be perfect.

Perfection may be is something

I will never be able to attain.

/a • tel • o • pho • bia/

Fear of imperfection.

Fear of never being

Good enough for myself,

Much less

a n y o n e

but i forget

i was never called

to be perfect

on my

own

He tells me:

"There is no

Fear

In Love"

there is no fear

in

l o v e


I'm soaked in His Love
Constant
Unending
Everlasting

Through my imperfections
He shines
Perfect
Beautiful
Holy


I remember now

I was never called to be perfect

I was called

To Love
To Glorify
To Reflect

Him


"I must decrease, and He must increase"


:: "if i told you i was perfect, i would have been lying" ::

{cite}

tumblr image
1 John  4:18

John 3:30
quote off the internet

{a little valentine's / single-awareness day / love post for all my readers who i heart. hope this blesses your day.

also, i'm been obsessed with smoothies in a completely weird way. they're so good ugh xx}

back into His arms

(note: this is a word-filled, picture-less post sorry xx)

I suck at being a Christian.

No kidding.

I'm too easily distracted // Wilfully distracted by things I know will drive my attention away from important things. Staying away from distractions is hard, and it needs discipline, and sometimes (more often than not) I get tired. I get tired of fighting to be focused. I get tired of turning away when I see something, not necessarily bad but not necessarily vital for my emotional/spiritual/mental/social wellbeing either.

I'm too easily put off // Doubting people's (often) sincere intentions. I get upset when people misunderstand me. I am frustrated at people's stereotype of who they think I am. And the worst part, I am put off by my own inability to love like Christ.

I'm too easily bought over // Lies, the lies of this world, are a plenty. Many of them are half-truths, some are blatant lies, others are white lies. You give me a sad story that I can empathise with, and chances are I'll side with you. Better yet if you get a hold of my fragile emotions and invoke tears. Sometimes this is good. It helps me relate to people. But, other times, it causes me to question my beliefs based on a single sad story. Like, hey Elisabeth, are you even serious? You have spent all your years understanding the Bible from inside out, knowing that certain things are sins and other things are unto righteousness, and I give you a sad story and you almost immediately side with me? What even? This causes me frustration as I ponder on my fragility and weakness, and my incapability to stand firm.

Something happened earlier today that made me lose control and become the broken and confused monster that never really left me when I accepted Christ. I cannot understand why sometimes God allows these to happen, but I think know that through these I am made perfect in my weakness. My weakness is what makes me human, and it is also what makes me need Christ. Christianity is all about relying on Someone other than yourself to save you; some people say they would rather save themselves, but honey, how can you save yourself when you don't know what you're saving yourself from?

It's almost one AM now, and I'm probably the only one awake in my home. It's quiet, and I finally have time to think and wonder, what is one thing in my life that I would die for. Because really, that's the motivation of my life. I used to say without thinking, Jesus Christ. But if I'm really honest with myself, truly truly honest, I don't even know what to say.

Academic motivations and plans for the future cloud my vision of Christ right now, and I can't see Him clearly. Entertainment and music musk the sweet smell of His presence. I know I know I know. But knowing, it's not enough.

Where to start? Where to begin to erase the dirts and smudge marks I've made over the once clear image of Him?

I guess I have to start where I started once.

Back in His arms.

on the eve of christmas

via tumblr

christmas.

christ-mas.

even the word has such a beautiful sound to it. it whispers hope, love, and peace. it excites dreams of lights, fragrance, and joy. i think christmas is really my favorite word.

it's also my favorite season and holiday. there are many reasons why. maybe it's because of the presents and gifts. or maybe it's the atmosphere of joy and laughter. perhaps the old-time favorite carols and newer upbeat songs make me bubble inside with happiness. ah, maybe it's the smell of all sorts of delicious things baking and cooking. but mainly it is the contentment and fulfillment of joy that He came down for me, something that i {usually} tend to take for granted in the busy, unimportant details of everyday life.

this year's christmas isn't exactly the best i've had. stress + not enough rest + too much nonsense snacking = a suspected inflation of dermatitis herpetiformis on some of my fingers. in addition, life has been busy and crazy. no christmas tree, or christmas decorations this year for us. no time to put them up, no time to contemplate the true reason why this season exist, no time, no time, no time. i've been using the "i'm busy" line too much, i think it's becoming an excuse. and excuse for something that never existed. i do have the time. i'm just not actively seeking it out.

christmas is becoming a holiday for me. not a time of rest and reflection, but just another holiday that is madly packed with presents to buy, things to do, stuff to see, cards to make, songs to practice, and no time at all to ponder why i even celebrate it. 

it's christmas eve. the shopping is done, presents are bought, choir practice is over, and i'm sitting resting and thinking {and blogging because it helps me sort my mind out}. the Greatest Light of all has come down to save men from the biggest enemy of all--their own sins. born of a virgin, was a hundred percent God and hundred percent man, fulfilled prophecies hundred of years before His birth--humanly impossible and logically unreasonable. but for the Creator of all, what is impossible? and i wholeheartedly believe that that's the story of christmas. the love of God manifest. the blind made to see, and the impossible made possible.

dear you | have a beautiful christmas ♥

and it's mid-november

all photos || via some cool place on tumblr

and hallo, it's already mid-november with a month (only a month!) to the busiest time of the year, Christmas. i don't really know how i've been doing. last week, at the conference, i saw so many people i've missed for the past few years and it was exciting to see what they had been up to and how God was at work in their lives. but when they ask me how i've been doing, i put on a great big smile (that is probably too huge to be genuine and would make the cheshire cat proud) and say i'm doing great. wonderful. fabulous. gobstopasmashing. which isn't totally true of course, but one doesn't expect a torrent of little picky problems to come tumbling out when asked "how have you been."

i don't really know how to answer them anyways. at that moment, i feel alright. ready and brave to conquer fresh problems. but within the next hour, i'm wallowing in a hole of depression and self-pity, which i know is not healthy. mood swings that others tell me it's normal to have at this age. but i don't like this normal. can't normal be joyful and peaceful? i've just been really tired maybe. too tired from focusing too much on the little things in life and missing out on the big picture God has for me. there are so many distractions, so, so many for a teenage girl living in a society that simply parades distractions. and i just have to keep reminding myself: when tired, rest. rest in the peace only He can give.

(anyways, i was just thinking the other day how nice it would be to go travelling for a few months some vague time in the future. see the world that God's created. just thinking about it makes me happy. oh! and in addition, i saw that jocee is having a giveaway of really cool stuff so go on, check her out. you won't be disappointed. {this is a sort of anticlimactic/rambly end to the entire thoughtful ambiance of this post. well, deal with it; that's just my personality ha. and yes, i've missed this dear little place to share my thoughts and with you all. glad to be back after a month of hectic busyness!})

♥

what if

via tumblr

some nights, i think very deep thoughts. tonight's one of those. i'm just thinking, you know, what if i never accomplish what i want in my life? what if i never get married? what if i die still young? what if i become socially awkward? what if my eyes forever stay small? what if my freckles never go away? what if someone eats the last bit of double chocolate ice cream in the freezer?

-but also more deeper thoughts, like-

what if God had never predestined me? what if i was still lost in darkness? what would it to be constantly depressed? what it be like to never know the true Light? what if i didn't exist? what if i was born in another country, in another family? who am i? what am going to do with my future?

i don't have all the answers yet. but i feel safer knowing that i'm not in control of my life's story. He is. i don't need to know all the answers. all i need to know is that He came down for me, and loves me with so much passion that He would agree to exchange His life for mine, on that beautifully dreadful day. that's why i owe Him so much, and He can take my life and use it for His glory.

the progression of bitterness

it all starts in the little things. the things that no one sees or cares. but you do. and you remember them, keeping them in the little sealed drawer at the back of your heart. but then it gets bigger. little things suddenly become big, and you wonder why nobody but you notices. and you feel that nobody listens or wants to listen to you.

and then your anger builds. slowly at first, but then faster and faster and faster. it spins out of control, and you feel mistreated in every circumstance. you ponder and mull on it at night. your hands rip pieces of paper into shreds. you glare and punch the bedpost, until you just wind up crying on the floor. and everything seems to lose its meaning. even the bluest sky seems sad. colors don't hold as much meaning as before. and then you're accelerating towards bitterness. it spins out of control, leaving you breathless, with a stubborn, bitter heart.

and no one can heal it but Jesus.

//

this is me, recently.

just a reminder for myself to let go, and let God.

today: life

i was reminded how short life is.

on friday evening, we sent a very dear family friend on his last physical journey at mandai cremation centre. he left us to be with the Lord after a year-long struggle against cancer. he and his family have been such a testimony to all of us. trusting, hoping, and putting their faith in the one true God. never ceasing to exhibit that joy and grace that only comes through believing and clinging to God in trials.

i was reminded to treasure those around me.

to stop hating, to start treasuring the things and people in life.

hate is so bitter. it hurts the hater and the hated. learning to stop hate, bitterness, and petty dislikes.

i was reminded to look with expectancy for life eternal.

source

this world is not my home,
i'm just a-passing through
my treasures are laid up,
somewhere beyond the blue

xoxo.

(De-)Baty Workshop

It has been a longgg time since I last posted. And yes, I'm partially ashamed of myself.

So I suppose I should do the normal thing most bloggers do and apologize for being busy over work (which is true, albeit an excuse too commonly used), etc.etc.etc. The truth was:

I COULD NOT THINK OF WHAT TO POST.

1. Creativity level had dropped sufficiently

2. Laziness to create a post had increased substantially

You might be interested to hear that these^ have gone in opposite directions since I realized beginning of November that this place has been rather silent-ish.

And to support my claim, we have three drafts of posts sitting there staring at me. I have been trying to keep this blog updated and such--I haven't  abandoned it ^-^

Anyways, the most interesting thing I've been up to is the Raffles Debate Academy (RDA) John Baty Debate Workshop held in Raffles Institution. 

[Another name that Mr. Baty says people call him is De-baty. Catch the pun? Or was it even one? :P]

Wheww it has been an experience, getting to know other debaters from school and all.

Yes, it's challenging and yes, it's really nerve-wrecking to hear your name called and you're like, "Um. What?" But homeschoolers have done awesome so far :)

And then there's this debate on Friday. Well, to be specific, 3 debates. 2 prepared (topic only given on maybe Thursday? >_>) and 1 impromptu (>_> x10). I'm like stressing out that I'm gonna embarrass myself, mumble and panic. Which is most likely normal for debaters, even experienced ones, so gotta overcome that :)

Praying soooo hard that these debates go well<3

elisabethfongTMproductions

God, thank You.

source.

God, thank You for loving me.

Thank  You for giving Your Son.

Thank You for your grace.

Thank  You for being an awesome God.

Thank You for each and every day.

Thank You for providing for all I need.

Thank You for your guidance.

Thank You for your mercy.

Thank You for my family.

Thank You for my life.

Thank You for being my life.

Thank You for rain and shine.

Thank You for being there for me.

Thank You for each breath of life.

Thank You for friends that encourage.

Thank You for nature that manifests Your power.

God, thank You for everything.