a raw collection of words from my heart

Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts

24.12.16

a crack in the starlit sky

image from tumblr
i humbly recommend this track for your listening pleasure
---

I caught a glimpse of paradise today.

It was a peculiar feeling, seeing something you’re so familiar with but have never actually seen.

For the first time, gazing out a plane window at 4AM, I saw the stars. Not just the rare one or two bright ones bravely shining through the noisy city lights, but a whole sky full of it.

And I remember thinking, Wow, this is one star too many.


I was, and still am, a city girl. Born and bred with the glaring lights of rush and noise to suffocate my senses. I have never seen the stars I write about so often, felt the cool moss beneath my bare feet, or lay in fields with the evening sun warming my face. I felt an odd sense of guilt when I realised just how glorious the pattern of the heavens was, how I’d been talking all these time about something I never really knew. 

So maybe what I’m trying to say very imperfectly is that writing has taken me places I could have only dreamed about.

When I write about the mountains and the stars and the songs the wind sings, a piece of me is there. When I’m broken, I engrave the words of my Father into the crevices of my heart. When my soul sings, I pencil in that song to my memory where I can keep it for eternity.

I feel like Christmas eve is an appropriate time for such reflections. Staring up into the sky this evening made me feel so small and pale in comparison, but I know of Someone loved me enough to send His own Son to this earth, with a bright lonely star to watch over His cradle, for the redemption of a girl who cannot love enough on her own.



The stars were never one too many or one too few.


//

Only a few more hours to Christmas, so happy (almost) Christmas!! May you be filled with love & joy this season, and not forget the life behind why we remember this beautiful day.

p.s.: still working on part ii of here's a piece of my heart!! so excited to finish this ♥ so much love for you all.

13.4.16

field of dreams



the colours leak from the shadows
and a faint lavender glow is scattered through the field
i am here--
again.
i lick my cracked lips
and then sit
before the silence strangles me,

it is the time before darkness and light
the moon slowly melts into the paled sky
the lost dreams are creeping back into night
my heart, strange and hollow
i can feel it--
aching,

i want to scream into the horizon
with its fading stars
and tell them--
wait.
i have no words left in me
and no strength left to shout,


but i am the girl that chased tomorrow!
i saw the wells of light at the end of the worlds
i cried for all the broken dreams
and laughed at the ones that bloomed
i am freckled with sun
bathed with tears
i've seen the sky cry at dusk
and the ocean spilt by lightning,

why have i come to this field?
i can't quite--
remember.
there are dead visions buried here
i know it,
the air is filled with tears and sleepless nights
i can taste them on my tongue,

i come to realise
as the time crawls by
that i am just another shadow passing
a ghost of a happier time
sent to watch this field of death
and mourn for my lost--
dream,



//

i hope you like this; i've been thinking a lot about deaths of visions, & how God works through them.
continue to keep me in prayer!
i've been busy with college apps & interviews & internships & all the (ahem) fun stuff hahaha.
i'll definitely be popping in and posting/reading your fab posts as much as i can! <3

so much love xx

29.10.15

christmas? christmas.





i know this is almost two months too early, but it feels like Christmas today.

yeah, even though it's like 28ºC and humidity 71% with expected thunderstorms in the afternoon and no snow, it feels like Christmas.

i'm sitting here in my garden with the fresh smell of sunning clothes and a cup of homemade cold chrysanthemum tea and my brain keeps shouting christmas, christmas, christmas for some queer reason and i feel very, very happy. (honestly, i have no idea how stuff up there works.) even though i know I'll regret this in the afternoon when i have tons of exam studying to catch up on, i just wanted to take the time to appreciate today for the beauty that God placed everywhere.

i'm pretty sure it's because the awful hazy weather broke yesterday with early morning thunderstorms that cleared the air. i haven't seen the blue sky in ages, and it's absolutely glorious to behold. Christmas lullaby music is blaring sweetly in my earphones (we're on away in a manger now).

and i'm just so in awe that God knows exactly how to paint with the colours of nature. do you ever get that sometimes? and maybe it feels like Christmas because i'm once again exclaiming how marvellous God is and that's what Christmas is all about.



//update: i found an ant enjoying my tea.//




15.10.15

where to find yourself (ii.)

you'll find yourself in the quiet whispers of dawn
where the horizon spills with pastel magic
where the breeze bursts with hope
for a new day
is a new chance
to be you

you'll find yourself in the raging of the storm
where the rain dances down the window
in scattered patterns only you can see
and you'll let hate all out
and take love all back in

you'll find yourself where the seas meet the sand
where the wind cries glory, glory, glory
you will take a deep breath
and let the salty aura
tangle deep into your soul


/

you're lost now,
but go, find yourself

life is too short
to pretend to be someone else


// part i. how to find a home //
// part ii. where to find yourself //



also, i'm TONS sorry for being MIA for so long. i finished my job attachment last friday, and had some final report thingies to submit and things got a little crazy. had lots of loose ends to tie up hehe.

gonna catch up with all the cool stuff y'all posted over this week <3<3 *HUGS*


p.s.: IT'S MY BIRTHDAY TODAY TOO WHEEE hehe.
hurrah for year eighteen! i'm so excited to see where the Lord will bring me in this upcoming year.

19.9.15

little things {16-25}

the little happy things: i.


16. Hugs (and more hugs).
17. Learning new things about people you love.
18. Wind that leaves you gasping for more.
19. Sleep.
20. The color of silence.
21. Blogs that shout "this.is.me."
22. Old friends.
23. Coffee and whipped cream..
24. Comfy clothes you look good in.
25. Smiling at a random stranger, and having them smile back.



Dance. Smile. Giggle. Marvel. Trust. Hope. Love. Wish. Believe. Most of all, enjoy every moment of the journey, and appreciate where you are at this moment instead of always focusing on how far you have to go.

mandy hale

The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass



it's so easy to forget the little things in life that make you live.
making lists are a good way of remembering them; i'd recommend it hehe 

have a lovely weekend, everyone

13.8.15

the 777 challenge

tumblr magic


the 777 challenge
so dearest cally from words passing you by AND the awesome olivia from the summer of 1999 did the thing and TAGGED me for this uber awesome challenge i couldn't pass on.

*hands cally some pretty wildflowers from the mountain because she's a mountain girl*
*showers olivia with bagels & tea bags 'cause her /about/ page tells me she loves them*
(heehee ♥)

sorry if i missed anyone who tagged me! just let me know and i'll edit the post to give you some well-deserved cool things too<3<3

//

the rules are:
  • share 7 lines from the 7th page of one of your manuscripts
  • tag 7 bloggers


(cally said she "cheated" doing the challenge but i'm definitely doing it wayyy worse meh)

  1. firstly, as much as it pains me to admit this, i do not have any legitimate manuscripts of long stories i wrote *cringes and waits for protests from riot crowds* yeah yeah, i know i love writing and everything but i don't actually have a manuscript (??) the closest i have is a book of quotes and thoughts i write down when i'm inspired.
  2. secondly, because it's a scribble+doodle book, some of the pages are blank. so the closest i could get for a page seven was page eight *cries*
  3. thirdly, i don't even have close to seven lines on that one page sigh. so i'm just sharing everything i wrote on that page.

well. that was a full confession of my failings at following a simple challenge (teehee). here is the long awaited line from my manuscript-that-isn't-really-a-manuscript:

and i cried for all the girls who wouldn't know how beautiful they looked when they woke up with bedheads and scars on their wrists and hearts and pillows damp with tears


i really hope you guys enjoyed this simple post! oh and before i forget, here are seven other amazing bloggers i will tag:

  1. laurel from Laurel Crowned
  2. ashy from A Piece of My Sky
  3. arushee from Unadorned Gifts
  4. jollygirl from Reflections of a Jolly Girl
  5. bekah from Found and Cherished
  6. tane from Fifth Out of Ten
  7. rachel from Silent Shadows
  8. YOU <3
(there we go. i broke every dang rule of this challenge, good grief, i'm a rebel.)

if y'all have already done it or are not able to for whatever reason, don't stress! 
sending so much love from over here *hugs*

Ü

12.6.15

don't forget


"she walked with darkness
dripping off her shoulders
i've seen ghosts
brighter than her soul"
x tumblr x


don't you dare look me in the eye
and tell me
you're not good enough
we both know that
is not true

there's a difference
oh, honey, there is,
between loving others
and loving yourself

you can love and love
other humans
you see the brightness
in their eyes when they
smile
the quiet movements
that speak volumes

but darling,
you have forgotten
how to love yourself

you have forgotten how to
see the brightness in your eyes
when you laugh
you have stopped loving
the soft smile
gracing your lips

oh, you are not perfect
none of us are
but there's Someone who loves
you deeper
than you could ever love yourself
He makes your flaws
your weaknesses
perfect
in His strength

don't you dare forget that





i just got back from church camp, and it was such a great and refreshing time spent with lovely people. i'm working on getting my writing/blogging schedule up again, which is a tad challenging because my family and i are leaving overseas for a month tomorrow x_x but it's gonna be exciting!

also, i'm just curious: do you guys like it/check back if i reply your comments? i'm not sure if y'all actually notice haha. you all leave the sweetest and loveliest comments, by the way ♥♥

stay beautiful xxx.

9.4.15

/bitterness/



it all starts in the little things. the things that no one sees or cares about. but you do. you remember them. and you keep them in the little sealed drawer at the back of your heart, and you leave it, thinking it won't matter. but then it gets bigger, and the little drawer starts to grow. little things suddenly become big, and you wonder why nobody but you notices, why nobody listens or wants to listen to you.

and then your anger builds. slowly at first, but then faster and faster and faster. it spins out of control, and you feel mistreated in every circumstance. you ponder and mull on it at night. your hands rip pieces of paper into shreds. you glare and punch the bedpost, until you just wind up crying on the floor. and everything seems to lose its meaning. even the bluest sky seems sad. colours don't hold as much meaning as before. love is meaningless. pain is fresh and sharp.

the scary thing is, you don't know you're hurtling towards bitterness, like a ship being hurtled by the waves into the jagged rocks. it spins out of control, leaving you breathless, with a stubborn, bitter heart.

and no one can heal it but Jesus.
just a reminder for myself to let go, and let God.



found this in my old posts; reposting it because i'm needing this reminder.

and also because i'm suffering from an acute writer's block right now.
it's like the worst thing ever to want to write something but being unable to write anything. 
ugh, anyone have any tips for overcoming writer's block?
maybe more chocolate? (ha)

15.2.15

imperfection + happy (belated) v-day

(i know i just posted yesterday, but i did pre-write this post specifically for v-day, so haha.
whatever, in any case, i hope you enjoy reading it as much as i enjoyed writing it xx)



i am not perfect.


Sometimes, I find myself having to constantly
Replay this little phrase in my head.


i am not perfect. i am not perfect.


Thoughts of anger
and bitterness swell,
They steal the joy for
others' triumphs,
They wrangle the contentment
at the simple joys of life.


i cannot be perfect.


Perfection may be is something
I will never be able to attain.


/a • tel • o • pho • bia/


Fear of imperfection.
Fear of never being
Good enough for myself,
Much less
a n y o n e

but i forget
i was never called
to be perfect

on my
own


He tells me:
"There is no
Fear
In Love"

there is no fear

in

l o v e


I'm soaked in His Love
Constant
Unending
Everlasting

Through my imperfections
He shines
Perfect
Beautiful
Holy


I remember now

I was never called to be perfect

I was called

To Love
To Glorify
To Reflect

Him


"I must decrease, and He must increase"


:: "if i told you i was perfect, i would have been lying" ::


{cite}
tumblr image
1 John  4:18
John 3:30
quote off the internet


{a little valentine's / single-awareness day / love post for all my readers who i heart. hope this blesses your day.
also, i'm been obsessed with smoothies in a completely weird way. they're so good ugh xx}

14.2.15

back into His arms

(note: this is a word-filled, picture-less post sorry xx)

I suck at being a Christian.
No kidding.


I'm too easily distracted // Wilfully distracted by things I know will drive my attention away from important things. Staying away from distractions is hard, and it needs discipline, and sometimes (more often than not) I get tired. I get tired of fighting to be focused. I get tired of turning away when I see something, not necessarily bad but not necessarily vital for my emotional/spiritual/mental/social wellbeing either.

I'm too easily put off // Doubting people's (often) sincere intentions. I get upset when people misunderstand me. I am frustrated at people's stereotype of who they think I am. And the worst part, I am put off by my own inability to love like Christ.

I'm too easily bought over // Lies, the lies of this world, are a plenty. Many of them are half-truths, some are blatant lies, others are white lies. You give me a sad story that I can empathise with, and chances are I'll side with you. Better yet if you get a hold of my fragile emotions and invoke tears. Sometimes this is good. It helps me relate to people. But, other times, it causes me to question my beliefs based on a single sad story. Like, hey Elisabeth, are you even serious? You have spent all your years understanding the Bible from inside out, knowing that certain things are sins and other things are unto righteousness, and I give you a sad story and you almost immediately side with me? What even? This causes me frustration as I ponder on my fragility and weakness, and my incapability to stand firm.


Something happened earlier today that made me lose control and become the broken and confused monster that never really left me when I accepted Christ. I cannot understand why sometimes God allows these to happen, but I think know that through these I am made perfect in my weakness. My weakness is what makes me human, and it is also what makes me need Christ. Christianity is all about relying on Someone other than yourself to save you; some people say they would rather save themselves, but honey, how can you save yourself when you don't know what you're saving yourself from?

It's almost one AM now, and I'm probably the only one awake in my home. It's quiet, and I finally have time to think and wonder, what is one thing in my life that I would die for. Because really, that's the motivation of my life. I used to say without thinking, Jesus Christ. But if I'm really honest with myself, truly truly honest, I don't even know what to say.

Academic motivations and plans for the future cloud my vision of Christ right now, and I can't see Him clearly. Entertainment and music musk the sweet smell of His presence. I know I know I know. But knowing, it's not enough.
Where to start? Where to begin to erase the dirts and smudge marks I've made over the once clear image of Him?

I guess I have to start where I started once.

Back in His arms.

20.1.15

love + mothers

featuring amazing photos from lamb and fox photography--check them out!


Lamb and Fox

//

i am love. i wield the power to break hearts and mend them again; the most beautiful feeling that can cause the deepest pain. i am not just a word; i am not just a feeling. i am a promise. i am a covenant, a commitment. 'til death do us part, they say at marriages. i was made manifest when Christ came down in human flesh to die for you and pay the price for your sins. but not even death could part His Love and you.

//


 Lamb and Fox

//

i am the mother. the unseen, unheard, under-appreciated angel who guards over her children with the fiercest love. i cry to Him for their precious souls; i see them in this evil world and realise my heart is frail, too frail to be carrying this burden. i surrender them to the One who sees all, knows all, loves all. i release them to the care of He who tenderly calls to the little children.

//

 Lamb and Fox


of love and mothers.
::
i'm back!
::
i just have a lot of things on my mind tonight,
(along with an upcoming biology test,
but that's the least of my worries)
::
some things have shaken me lately
to remind me that i'm not in control of things
and to let go
and let God.


continue to make your 2015 amazing.
every moment counts.
xx.


{DISCLAIMER : as stated above, none of these photos are mine and i'm not claiming credit for them. the words, however, are completely original. the photos are the courtesy of Lamb and Fox Photography who take AMAZING photos. i'm just featuring their photos because they really blew me away.}

17.6.14

i'm tagged! (the this or that tag)

So.


{I just had to include this picture, sorry. It's so happy.}

I want to give a big shoutout (complete with firecrackers and colorful jellies) to Natasha from Savoring Each Moment and Neeli Vancore from A World of Randomness. They awarded me with the This or That Tag (!!!) and they're amazing so go check out their blogs :)

And just a note, they awarded me this like ages ago but I didn't have time to do it till now (I know, terrible, but I was having exams, so that excuse would have to suffice).


Hair up or down?
I'm good with both. But hair definitely up on hot days.

Dessert or fruit?
Dessert for me, anytime. Unless the dessert is a fruit, which I'm totally okay with. On another note, I've been making gluten free apple crisps like nobody's business and love it so so much. Can I just say how good it is cold or hot? It's de-licious, and so flippin' easy to make. Okay I'm done. :)

Dress or shirt and sweatpants?
Depends on the occasion. I way prefer t-shirts and sweatpants, though. Comfort is top of my list.

One Direction or Jonas Brothers?

...I'm going to have to say One Direction, just because I'm not to familiar with the Jonas Brothers. That being said, I ain't a directioner okay. But (to pacify you Directioners), they have great voices. :)

Radio or iPod?
iPod for me please.


Sleepover at your house or at a friend's house?
Friends.

Just because my house is probably too full of siblings prying through cracks in the walls and listening at keyholes to have a proper sleepover. And too many little ones to be too crazy at night without bringing down the wrath of The Mother upon us (ha ha).

Cookies or apples?
Is this even like a valid question. It would be cookies, duh. *chants* cookies! cookies! cookies!

I love Cookie Monster by the way. <3<3<3 Oh, and Subway cookies as well. 


Playing cards or painting?
Neither. I don't play cards, and I can't paint or draw or do anything that requires me to portray realistic things.

I can do impressionistic doodling though. (!!!)


In a board game, would you rather be a green or a white piece?
GREEN. SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT.


Sorry, I just had to say that. I don't really care about the color actually. I would rather take a bar of chocolate and use bits of it as pieces (of course I have to eat it as I go, otherwise it's no fun). (But then it'll melt and get the board and everything sticky, so.)


I'll be posting updates for what has been going on these past few (silent months) in a few days. Life has been busy, fun, crazy exciting. Like a roller-coaster ride. Which I love. Anyways, have a great summer! Go do something amazing.

xx.

4.2.14

within the cracks of sunlight



i met someone the other day. her name was failure, and she cruelly reminded me of how incomparable i was with others. i missed the passing mark by so little. yet she still showed up, determined to tell me how much i had missed the passing mark. how much my clumsy fingers floundered at various artistic skills. how terrible my expression of music was. how i couldn't do anything right.

i met someone else the other day as well. his name was bitterness. he followed me just long enough to harbor on the what failure had sneered at me. just long enough to plant that dreadful seed. no more, no less. he wasn't at all rude. he was so kind, and understanding. sympathetic even. but what he told me about others and myself hurt me far more than failure could.


know that the pull of bitterness and failure is strong. so, so strong. don't ever let them get to you like how i let them get me.
because once that happens, it's hard to forget what was once easy to let go.


||

nobody means anything, but they feel like everything. they feel like a myriad of relentless piercing throbs starting the deepest, darkest corner of my heart and spreading through me like wildfire, passionate and uncontrolled. it causes the lump in my throat at terribly inconvenient moments, and it takes everything i can muster to prevent the tears. but sometimes i can't, and i hate it when that happens.

i don't even know where difference is between me, and the illusion of me being who i am not.


i guess it all started when i tried to be someone i wasn't.
when i looked at myself and hated myself for being me, and closed my eyes to the true meaning of loving myself as His beautiful child.

||

i used to imagine sunlight in the shades of dust. how much dust i can see when the sunlight filters through. dust made the light pretty for me, and gave the light perspective. dust is very much unwanted (cleanliness and hygiene-wise). but it's so fascinating, and i can't help loving the unwantedness in it. call me crazy, or laugh at my oddness, but i can see the magical touch dust has on sunlight.

you know how the sea draws back suddenly at low tide, leaving all these debris exposed on the sand? i feel just like that. the cover i've hidden myself under is unraveling, exposing the mess of me. it's not a pretty mess, but it isn't ugly. there's something akin to beauty in that tawny bits of wood lying around, in almost symmetrical scatters. and the rustic glory of the pale, dusty sand.

is fascination with the unbeautiful messes of life good? sometimes people think it's crazy, but maybe that is just because they don't understand.

||

sometimes pouring my thoughts helps me understand why i made choices, and why things happen.