a raw collection of words from my heart

14.2.15

back into His arms

(note: this is a word-filled, picture-less post sorry xx)

I suck at being a Christian.
No kidding.


I'm too easily distracted // Wilfully distracted by things I know will drive my attention away from important things. Staying away from distractions is hard, and it needs discipline, and sometimes (more often than not) I get tired. I get tired of fighting to be focused. I get tired of turning away when I see something, not necessarily bad but not necessarily vital for my emotional/spiritual/mental/social wellbeing either.

I'm too easily put off // Doubting people's (often) sincere intentions. I get upset when people misunderstand me. I am frustrated at people's stereotype of who they think I am. And the worst part, I am put off by my own inability to love like Christ.

I'm too easily bought over // Lies, the lies of this world, are a plenty. Many of them are half-truths, some are blatant lies, others are white lies. You give me a sad story that I can empathise with, and chances are I'll side with you. Better yet if you get a hold of my fragile emotions and invoke tears. Sometimes this is good. It helps me relate to people. But, other times, it causes me to question my beliefs based on a single sad story. Like, hey Elisabeth, are you even serious? You have spent all your years understanding the Bible from inside out, knowing that certain things are sins and other things are unto righteousness, and I give you a sad story and you almost immediately side with me? What even? This causes me frustration as I ponder on my fragility and weakness, and my incapability to stand firm.


Something happened earlier today that made me lose control and become the broken and confused monster that never really left me when I accepted Christ. I cannot understand why sometimes God allows these to happen, but I think know that through these I am made perfect in my weakness. My weakness is what makes me human, and it is also what makes me need Christ. Christianity is all about relying on Someone other than yourself to save you; some people say they would rather save themselves, but honey, how can you save yourself when you don't know what you're saving yourself from?

It's almost one AM now, and I'm probably the only one awake in my home. It's quiet, and I finally have time to think and wonder, what is one thing in my life that I would die for. Because really, that's the motivation of my life. I used to say without thinking, Jesus Christ. But if I'm really honest with myself, truly truly honest, I don't even know what to say.

Academic motivations and plans for the future cloud my vision of Christ right now, and I can't see Him clearly. Entertainment and music musk the sweet smell of His presence. I know I know I know. But knowing, it's not enough.
Where to start? Where to begin to erase the dirts and smudge marks I've made over the once clear image of Him?

I guess I have to start where I started once.

Back in His arms.

16 comments

  1. OHMYWORD.

    "I guess I have to start where I started once. Back in His arms."

    WHAT?

    These words are so precious and brilliant, and Spirit-filled. I can't even begin to explain how much I needed them. Thank you, thank you, thank you. ♥

    xoxo

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    1. Aw, I'm so so glad that these words spoke to you. Thank you SO much ♥♥

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  2. Wow. This is very, very brilliant. Thank you for sharing.
    ---
    I just started a party on my blog called Friday Friends. It's would mean a ton to me if you would take some time and check it out and maybe joined? Thank you!
    -June
    http://weezasjournal.blogspot.com/2015/02/friday-friends-1.html

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    1. Thank you (: Going to check it out right now!

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  3. Ohmanohmanohman.

    Back in His arms.

    Oh maaann. I know this. I know it. I feel it in my soul.

    He'll take care of us. He will. It's a scary, but amazing, feeling. asdfghjkl. <3

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    1. Yes, He will always be there for us. And that's the beauty and what makes me feel unworthy of His love that He gives so freely. You're a dear xx.

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  4. Oh Elizabeth! You're not a bad Christian. Part of being human is getting distracted by these thing, just by wishing you were stronger for God, you're proving you're a good Christian.
    Sometime we get swamped down by the world and all it's distractions, but so long as we keep reminding ourselves what we're here for, then we can do it. Every time you try again, God gives you more grace. You can keep going.
    This is so heartfelt. It's like you know what I'm always feeling. I feel like I'll never be good enough for God. Like I'm unworthy (which I am) and that I can never do anything. But we have to keep going together.

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    1. Thank you SO much for these words of encouragement. Yes, I totally agree that this is part of being human and flawed and in need of a perfect God. Thank you, thank you again xxx.

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  5. You're not a bad Christian at all. You are acknowledging this, that we will fall back in His arms; I'm just here standing in awe of your post.

    xoxo Morning

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    1. Yes, indeed, falling back into His arms is the beauty of Christianity. You're such a dear; thank you xxx.

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  6. gah....this post was beautiful.

    And it really made me think too. So often I feel so bad, just a couple hours earlier I could've been feeling so close to God, and then I mess up. I do something which I know probably wasn't the kindest thing to do to the One who gave His life for me. But the amazingness that comes out of that is the fact that God will forgive us if we truly are sorry. And those are the moments when I know that even though I'm not half way near being good enough for God to love me, He takes my weakness and uses it for His glory.

    This was something I really needed. Thank you soo much <3

    - autumn

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    1. "And those are the moments when I know that even though I'm not half way near being good enough for God to love me, He takes my weakness and uses it for His glory."

      I absolutely love what you said, and yes I cannot agree with you more! Thank you so much, Autumn, for the lovely comment. ♥♥♥

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  7. this hit me hard man. wow. I freaking love your posts.

    Ive been feeling the same way lately. I suck at being a Christian. It got to the point where I would sit and wonder how God could possibly love me because of how much I mess up. and It got bad. and Im much like you in that I get swept away by the first good lie I hear and I let other things get in the way.

    but thank you. thank you for being so honest with us and thank you for showing me a good place to run to. back in his arms indeed.

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    1. Wow, thanks so much Faith ♥♥ Thank YOU for the sweet words and also sharing your honest thoughts through your comment. Indeed, the best place to run back to is His arms. Thanks, dear xxx.

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  8. This hit very close to home, so I'm just gonna say you're amazing for being brave enough to share this so honestly. Thank you. :)

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    1. Why, thank you so much Liz!
      also, i think you have a lovely name ;)

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