Feb 4, 2014

within the cracks of sunlight

i met someone the other day. her name was failure, and she cruelly reminded me of how incomparable i was with others. i missed the passing mark by so little. yet she still showed up, determined to tell me how much i had missed the passing mark. how much my clumsy fingers floundered at various artistic skills. how terrible my expression of music was. how i couldn't do anything right.

i met someone else the other day as well. his name was bitterness. he followed me just long enough to harbor on the what failure had sneered at me. just long enough to plant that dreadful seed. no more, no less. he wasn't at all rude. he was so kind, and understanding. sympathetic even. but what he told me about others and myself hurt me far more than failure could.

know that the pull of bitterness and failure is strong. so, so strong. don't ever let them get to you like how i let them get me.
because once that happens, it's hard to forget what was once easy to let go.


nobody means anything, but they feel like everything. they feel like a myriad of relentless piercing throbs starting the deepest, darkest corner of my heart and spreading through me like wildfire, passionate and uncontrolled. it causes the lump in my throat at terribly inconvenient moments, and it takes everything i can muster to prevent the tears. but sometimes i can't, and i hate it when that happens.

i don't even know where difference is between me, and the illusion of me being who i am not.

i guess it all started when i tried to be someone i wasn't.
when i looked at myself and hated myself for being me, and closed my eyes to the true meaning of loving myself as His beautiful child.


i used to imagine sunlight in the shades of dust. how much dust i can see when the sunlight filters through. dust made the light pretty for me, and gave the light perspective. dust is very much unwanted (cleanliness and hygiene-wise). but it's so fascinating, and i can't help loving the unwantedness in it. call me crazy, or laugh at my oddness, but i can see the magical touch dust has on sunlight.

you know how the sea draws back suddenly at low tide, leaving all these debris exposed on the sand? i feel just like that. the cover i've hidden myself under is unraveling, exposing the mess of me. it's not a pretty mess, but it isn't ugly. there's something akin to beauty in that tawny bits of wood lying around, in almost symmetrical scatters. and the rustic glory of the pale, dusty sand.

is fascination with the unbeautiful messes of life good? sometimes people think it's crazy, but maybe that is just because they don't understand.


sometimes pouring my thoughts helps me understand why i made choices, and why things happen.


  1. Wow... I really love your writing style... It's so beautiful and pensive, thoughtful yet not to slow! Keep it up! :)


  2. the thing that helps me is to not see the unbeautiful messes and call them unbeautiful. i see the wrong, the hate, the dark, the ugliness, and i try my absolute hardest to reform it all into total beauty for Him, because good always comes out of things that aren't as good when God is involved.
    but i've been where you are. in fact, i'm almost always struggling with this, because it's so hard to create the beauty from the unbeautiful without letting the unbeautiful take over my soul.
    with love and prayers,
    bekah <3
    p.s. i absolutely love your thoughts on dust and sunlight. beautiful.

    1. oh, thank you so much dear. i really appreciate your prayers ♥♥

  3. Omg I love your writing style! Love it!

  4. The way you write is SO beautiful. Man, I love your blog, and this post. :) Not to mention this line - I guess it all started when I tried to be someone I wasn't...
    I'll be following your blog.
    Tane ♥

  5. Wow. From the first sentence I was hooked on your blog.

  6. Wow. You are a really, really talented writer! I absolutely am in love with this!! It is so beautifully written, and also is so true! I feel like re-posting it or something :) haha! Thank you for sharing this, dear! I love the part about the dust in the sunlight, and in ways...I can very much relate with you!!


  7. I love this :) You're such a great writer!


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