two-oh-one-four

“There is such a place as fairyland - but only children can find the way to it. And they do not know that it is fairyland until they have grown so old that they forget the way. One bitter day, when they seek it and cannot find it, they realize what they have lost; and that is the tragedy of life. On that day the gates of Eden are shut behind them and the age of gold is over. Henceforth they must dwell in the common light of common day. Only a few, who remain children at heart, can ever find that fair, lost path again; and blessed are they above mortals. They, and only they, can bring us tidings from that dear country where we once sojourned and from which we must evermore be exiles. The world calls them its singers and poets and artists and story-tellers; but they are just people who have never forgotten the way to fairyland.” 

-lucy maud montgomery, story girl-

i am awake before dawn, when the creases in the sky threatens to spill light and a lone star glistens overhead. there's something magical about the time before dawn. everything is quiet except for a solitary rumble of a distant car. the wind dances through the trees, making queer rustling sounds that remind me of the rustling of silken dresses. i make myself a very concentrated mixture of spicy apple cider and golden honey just to wake myself up, which burns my throat, but leaves a pleasant, tingling sensation. if one could taste sun rays, i would wholeheartedly vouch that it would taste just like that.

then i sit down to think about twenty fourteen.

i've always loved the story girl. she's one of the main characters in montgomery's book of the same name. she is dreamy, wistful, bold, passionate, loving, unpredictable. she thinks in colors, in shades of the rainbow--no wonder life is rarely dull for her. she speaks often of the golden road, a road that children can easily find, and adults rarely walk. then i realize with a start that this year begins my seventeenth year. one more year to college, three more years to twenty. it's almost time for the golden road to end and a new road to begin. but maybe, just maybe, if i try to remain a child at heart, i'll be able to visit the golden road again and look upon everything with the simple wonder and awe of a child.

twenty fourteen, i don't know what you'll bring, or what little surprises you have tucked up your sleeves.

but i promise, i'll make the golden road last for as long as i can.

late new year reflections, just because || ♥

within the cracks of sunlight

i met someone the other day. her name was failure, and she cruelly reminded me of how incomparable i was with others. i missed the passing mark by so little. yet she still showed up, determined to tell me how much i had missed the passing mark. how much my clumsy fingers floundered at various artistic skills. how terrible my expression of music was. how i couldn't do anything right.

i met someone else the other day as well. his name was bitterness. he followed me just long enough to harbor on the what failure had sneered at me. just long enough to plant that dreadful seed. no more, no less. he wasn't at all rude. he was so kind, and understanding. sympathetic even. but what he told me about others and myself hurt me far more than failure could.

know that the pull of bitterness and failure is strong. so, so strong. don't ever let them get to you like how i let them get me.

because once that happens, it's hard to forget what was once easy to let go.

||

nobody means anything, but they feel like everything. they feel like a myriad of relentless piercing throbs starting the deepest, darkest corner of my heart and spreading through me like wildfire, passionate and uncontrolled. it causes the lump in my throat at terribly inconvenient moments, and it takes everything i can muster to prevent the tears. but sometimes i can't, and i hate it when that happens.

i don't even know where difference is between me, and the illusion of me being who i am not.

i guess it all started when i tried to be someone i wasn't.

when i looked at myself and hated myself for being me, and closed my eyes to the true meaning of loving myself as His beautiful child.

||

i used to imagine sunlight in the shades of dust. how much dust i can see when the sunlight filters through. dust made the light pretty for me, and gave the light perspective. dust is very much unwanted (cleanliness and hygiene-wise). but it's so fascinating, and i can't help loving the unwantedness in it. call me crazy, or laugh at my oddness, but i can see the magical touch dust has on sunlight.

you know how the sea draws back suddenly at low tide, leaving all these debris exposed on the sand? i feel just like that. the cover i've hidden myself under is unraveling, exposing the mess of me. it's not a pretty mess, but it isn't ugly. there's something akin to beauty in that tawny bits of wood lying around, in almost symmetrical scatters. and the rustic glory of the pale, dusty sand.

is fascination with the unbeautiful messes of life good? sometimes people think it's crazy, but maybe that is just because they don't understand.

||

sometimes pouring my thoughts helps me understand why i made choices, and why things happen.

happy sunshiney award

"For bloggers who positively and creatively inspire others in the blogosphere."

i'll be the first to admit that by nature, i'm not a very inspiring or creative person. my journey in blogging has driven me to see things in different perspectives, different shades of colors, if you will. i don't usually think in colors, but when i do, it's glorious. colors are merely expressions, but what powerful expressions they are. the deep, robust silkiness of crimson; the innocent paleness of pastel pink; the fresh vivaciousness of lime green; the thrilling sensation of electric blue. colors are inspiring, and i think i drew my inspiration from these little nuances of colors.

but i'm sidetracking just like always. i just want to give a big shoutout to SW over at a free mind, a blog that i frequent because her thoughts are super inspiring, nudging me to dream about possibilities. thank you, dear, and because you're awesome you deserve a extra grande cup of Starbucks chocolate latte and whipped cream. plus a double-chocolate chip cookie and the latest season of bbc sherlock on dvd. (YES)

the rules are:

I. thank the blogger that nominated you and link to his/her blog
II. nominate other bloggers and let them know on their blogs
III. answer a list of ten questions
IV. the Sunshine Award button must be posted on your blog

bloggers i nominate: (in no particular order)

• anna sophia
• ash
• prissy
• bekah joan
• rachel nicole
• maddie

The Ten Questions: (you can either answer these questions or make up your own 10 questions and answer those):

(i'm going to use some questions from SW and make some of my own)

1. What is your favorite Scripture verse? this is hard. but i think my favorite would be romans 8:1-2: "there is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. for the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death." there's just so much hope and meaning wrapped deep inside this verse. i adore it. 2. Would you sacrifice your life if it would save that of a stranger's? honestly? i'm not sure, because it would really depend on the situation and where i am (physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally) at that moment. i sincerely sincerely hope that in a given situation i will do so though. 3. Given a chance to swim with dolphins . . . would you accept? YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYSYEYSYEYSYYSYSYS. (oh look i even want to try dancing with them. like synchronized swimming? i have no idea what i was thinking.)   4. Are you more "fascinated" by the light or by the darkness; why? definitely by the darkness. i mean, i love light, but the darkness has always intrigued me (we're talking about literal darkness here, alright, not like sin = darkness, because in that case i shun it ha). i read once in anne of windy willows that darkness is made frightening in the presence of light. darkness by itself can be very comforting when i'm feeling down, with no one to see my eyes spoiled by the tears. maybe also because darkness is less "known" (forgive the term; i can't think of any other suitable word), i find it more fascinating than light. 5. Can you speak with a different accent? i sure can and i love it. it opens so many doors for exploration. playing around with my voice intonation and expression amuses me greatly, and probably amuses those around me. 6. Would you rather be disliked or forgotten? oh, this is a good one. i think i'd rather be disliked. being hated for just being me isn't nice, but to me, forgetting is worst. forgetting is not just not liking someone, it's wiping every blessed memory of them off your mind. it's the most cruel thing in friendships, and its wounds stab even deeper than dislike. at least when someone dislikes me, they still know what i'm like and dislike me for that. i can't help it if they repulse people who aren't fitted through a certain mold. but to be forgotten, that is to be not memorable enough to leave an impression on people's lives and impact them, and that, my friends, is a far sadder prospect than being disliked.

7. Has the ocean ever filled your dreams? strangely, no. or at least, not that i remember super clearly. i love the clear sea, and there's nothing like vacation by the beach, but i'm also afraid of the things in the sea. i can swim beautifully, but i don't like the feeling of something lurking beneath the surface. 8. Presuming you own one, how often is your journal put to use? i am ashamed to say...very very very very very very rarely. it's been hard for me to write because of eczema on my fingers, and i save the energy of writing with two fingers for my work. but i'd really love to get back to it slowly. journalling is a habit and treasure i've yet to master. i do love writing down my sporadic thoughts and little quotes from here and there, though. oh, and also poems that most of the time don't rhyme (ha). 9. Favorite fictional character of all time? james moriaty (from bbc rendition of sherlock). he is just like the awesomestest villain character of all time. don't ask me why; he's just is. because i say so. :) 10. What is your favorite hymn? in Christ alone. oh, and also how deep the Father's love for us. those two have to be my favorite of all time.

♥ || blogger awards

it's chocolate (recipe i.)

remember this? "try 16 recipes."

via

so i made chocolate the other day.

by myself.

elisabeth fong. making chocolate.

{no the world isn't going to end now, nor in 2025. unless He comes back, but that's a different story}

and you're probably like, "seriously. is that even possible? and i bet hers doesn't taste as good as hersheys."

well duh. maybe that's because i'm not a globally renowned company with an operating income of 905 million bucks.
and maybe it's also because i wanted a healthier alternative.

maybe you know, maybe you don't, but i've been having eczema spontaneously flaring up on my hands. not fun at all. because there was no apparent reason for my condition, except my unfortunate habit of needing something (usually junk food) to eat when studying, my mom pronounced me gluten intolerant, soy intolerant, lactose intolerant, water intolerant. yes, water intolerant. don't you know that eczema people can't constantly touch water because water is an enemy to eczema infected people? go do you research. well, except for showering. i made that an exception. i still try to keep myself clean (aren't you glad i'm actually telling you this?).

i've learnt to do most things with my index finger and thumb, because those have escaped the claws of this non-communicable disease (again, do you research. i'm not in an isolated room with only a crack of sunlight and a pan of gluten-free food pushed in through the hole in the door daily...although i do wish i had a pan of prepared GF food, so i don't have to overuse my four good fingers). i've even taught myself how to write with two fingers. impossible? i beg to differ.

but i've learned to cope with it. once it's cleared, i can start take things "in moderation," which essentially means The Mother rationing out the amount i can eat in grams to the nearest hundredth decimal point because i tend to overdo it. you get the idea.

the amazing thing is that this change in diet seems to be helping. the situation seems to be improving, and after it's cleared, i can start to test my allergens, which also means eating the things i'm suspected to be allergic to (!!!). Mom just made those guesses because my good 'ol Gramps is allergic to gluten, Daddy's sorta intolerant of seafood, and Gramma doesn't take a lot of dairy because of personal preferences. i just hope it doesn't run that much in the family. but, i've found a ton of recipes online that allow people that can't take gluten to eat bread! and lactose-intolerant people to eat chocolate! indeed, this is quite a feat of nature.

some websites i fell in love with are:

- Gluten-Free Goddess {i go to Karina's website almost everyday and stare at the sheer beauty of the things i can eat as a person as possibly intolerant to many things}

- Hope's Kitchen {a recipe blog that give hope to gluttons like myself forced into this lifestyle. she has a recipe for amazing apple fritters that i just cannot wait to try. as soon as i can eat yeast. which will be soon.}

- The Gluten Free Scallywag {doncha just love the name? this one's a recently discovered jewel that i added to my collection of websites i love}

{maybe i should start talking about what i was initially supposed to post about}

right. we were talking about chocolate that i made.

and can i just say it was the first chocolate i had eaten in more than a month and that it was the amazingestest chocolate i've ever tasted? {allow me to have a moment fangirling my chocolate here. k thks}

i've had this chocolate craving for an immensely long period of time. essentially slightly longer than the hiatus (love that word, by the way) in my blogging. so i said to myself, girl, you gotta make yourself some dairy-free chocolate.

so i did what every person would most probably do. i googled it and found a basic recipe for chocolate using coconut oil and cocoa powder. just so happened, The Parents are, i would say, reasonably obsessed with coconut oil as a healthy supplement to combat viruses. so we have lots of it in our house. cocoa powder? no problem. Mom bakes, and we have hershey's 100% cocoa powder {fine. i did use hersheys. but my chocolate is still (considerably) healthy and homemade}. we did have slivered almonds, and raisins,  sugar, and honey, and almond milk (which is dairy-free) to give it a milky, dairy-free texture.

i modified this recipe to whatever i had at home. and the rest is history that is sitting comfortably in my tummy. and because i used coconut oil which boost metabolic rate, it's less guilt for the hips, too.

oh yeah, and SW, as soon as i finish fangirling my chocolate and getting hyped up on food alternatives, i promise to work on the sunshine award, dear. thankies xx. 

live to eat, eat to live || ♥

on the eve of christmas

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christmas.

christ-mas.

even the word has such a beautiful sound to it. it whispers hope, love, and peace. it excites dreams of lights, fragrance, and joy. i think christmas is really my favorite word.

it's also my favorite season and holiday. there are many reasons why. maybe it's because of the presents and gifts. or maybe it's the atmosphere of joy and laughter. perhaps the old-time favorite carols and newer upbeat songs make me bubble inside with happiness. ah, maybe it's the smell of all sorts of delicious things baking and cooking. but mainly it is the contentment and fulfillment of joy that He came down for me, something that i {usually} tend to take for granted in the busy, unimportant details of everyday life.

this year's christmas isn't exactly the best i've had. stress + not enough rest + too much nonsense snacking = a suspected inflation of dermatitis herpetiformis on some of my fingers. in addition, life has been busy and crazy. no christmas tree, or christmas decorations this year for us. no time to put them up, no time to contemplate the true reason why this season exist, no time, no time, no time. i've been using the "i'm busy" line too much, i think it's becoming an excuse. and excuse for something that never existed. i do have the time. i'm just not actively seeking it out.

christmas is becoming a holiday for me. not a time of rest and reflection, but just another holiday that is madly packed with presents to buy, things to do, stuff to see, cards to make, songs to practice, and no time at all to ponder why i even celebrate it. 

it's christmas eve. the shopping is done, presents are bought, choir practice is over, and i'm sitting resting and thinking {and blogging because it helps me sort my mind out}. the Greatest Light of all has come down to save men from the biggest enemy of all--their own sins. born of a virgin, was a hundred percent God and hundred percent man, fulfilled prophecies hundred of years before His birth--humanly impossible and logically unreasonable. but for the Creator of all, what is impossible? and i wholeheartedly believe that that's the story of christmas. the love of God manifest. the blind made to see, and the impossible made possible.

dear you | have a beautiful christmas ♥

the most beautiful person

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"you know when you sometimes meet someone so beautiful, and when you actually talk to them and five minutes later they are as dull as a brick? then there's other people, when you meet them you think, "not bad. they're okay." and then you get to know them and their face just sort of becomes them. like their personality's written all over it.

and they just turn into something so beautiful."

amy pond | quote via dr. who

you know how this happens sometimes?

you notice those flashy, gorgeous people and think they're amazing.

but after hanging around them for a while, you realize how shallow they are.

maybe they have something deeper that you have to dig a little harder to get,

but they just don't seem very impressive after a few conversations.

but there are these other people.

the ones that become more beautiful after each conversation.

the ones that you never looked at twice about when you glanced across the room.

the ones that you never spoke to enough.

you said "hi" to them once or twice, and never thought about it again.

but then you see them more, and you start talking to them more out of necessity than want.

then you start to see things you've never noticed about them before.

(and to me, this is the best part of friendships)

for the first time, you notice their eye color.

you realize how deep their eyes are.

you suddenly see how beautiful they are when they smile.

the way they hug their siblings,

or help their friends.

their face becomes them.

then you start to realize how much you have in common.

you start enjoying conversations with them,

and when they leave, it seems

like a part of you left with them.

you're more than simply "friends" now,

you've become kindred spirits.

and it'll take something stronger than legions of mighty armies to break that bond.

faces are just faces,

until they become a person.

my book people

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i'm the kind of person who understands people in books wayyy more than people in real life. but i'm not that typical kind that is an introvert, shy to speak. i'm loud; noisy, to say the least. i enjoy public speaking, performing in skits, and speaking to new people. strangely, though, i find myself identifying more with the people in books. they're my kindred spirits; people i've never seen, but always known. recently, i've been having a trying time, but books just whisk me away to another world. and the book people, it's like they identify with exactly how i feel. it's like they are me. you know the feeling when people don't understand you, and you don't try very hard to understand them back? i'm a little like that. i must say, though, i have some precious friends are exactly like the book people. they understand. and i've some other friends who just make me laugh and don't expect me to say anything in return. they're amazing. just like the book people. sometimes, i even dream up my very own book people. someday perhaps i'll share them with you lovelies.

i've found a book person unlike one i've never had before. i've not used to having an old, dying man as one of my book people, but (surprisingly/shockingly/astonishingly) yes, i do. as of yesterday night.

maybe some background would help. i was feeling terrible that night. nothing (and when i say nothing, i mean literally nothing) was going right. and i had to clean a pile of dishes and take out the trash, while the little sibs (amazing at times, not so at others) were cleaning the table way too slow for my liking. you know those days. naturally, i was feeling m.i.s.e.r.a.b.l.e. it was then that i found him.

his name, is ivan ilych. he is the main character in leo tolstoy's the death of ivan ilych. i know, he was a dying, grumpy, old man. grouchy, bad-tempered, ready to bite anyone and anything, with his health in bad shape. and i was like, minus out the dying and sick part--that's me. so that's how i got to know him. he hated everyone because he saw them all as liars. they were simply trying to make him feel better and tell him lies about his health condition. he knew they all wanted him dead a.s.a.p. because he was becoming burdensome and he simply hated that hypocritical-ness.

but he meets this other young man who comes to care for him. gerasim, he's called. he was immediately added to my family of book people. he's bubbling with life. he's honest, frank, and joy simply exudes out of him. ivan ilych enjoys his presence immensely, and when gerasim leaves, both ivan and i felt an extreme sense of regret and sadness. gerasim brought with him something that exuded even through the words and into my self. joy. he cheered ivan ilych and me up. and some people might find that strange that i can be so affected by a book like that. but i do, and i am. ivan learns to let bitterness and hate go, and dies happy and peaceful. the story was beautiful. although tolstoy didn't talk much about gerasim after that brief chapter, well, i believe that he impacted ivan. and me as well.

so go. even if you identify perfectly fine with real people, go find some book people to meet. or make up your own if you're good at writing. because sometimes, God uses them to bring joy to your day.

joy will come in the morning || ♥

peter pan and the paradox of growing up

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when i was little, i loved peter pan. he was amazing, and i felt a thrill rush through me every time i watched wendy and the two boys escape to neverland with him. i never really understand why peter pan didn't want to grow up; i was dying to. i wanted to be old enough to go out and see the world, dress up, put on makeup, and wear heels. but now, i can see why growing up can be painful.

growing up is a thing i have to face always, on a daily basis. frankly, it often scares me stiff when i picture me in five, ten years. or even in the next few months. only four more years to twenty, and sixteen years have passed by just as quickly as the wind blows. adulthood staring me in the face, beckoning at times and yet, frightening at others. i'm not sure i'm ready for it. there are so many more responsibilities when you're grown up. more privileges, yes, but certainly more responsibilities as well. many i was just too idealistic when i was younger. adulthood isn't all that carefree as i pictured it. and sometimes i wish i could just do nothing and slouch around on the couch, eating chips (i might just end up with a bigger belly this holidays), and sleep. but that's not reality.

i don't want to grow up, and yet i want to. it's a paradox (don't you just love that word? the creators of the english language were poetic even in the phonetics) that i have to face. i want freedom and excitement and fun that adulthood brings, but i don't want the responsibilities and cares. i know that's terrible, because i need be be able to handle these sort of things. that's why it always comforts me when i remember that i can cast all my cares on Him, for He can and will carry me through. it's beautiful, really, when i think about it.

p.s: read a post i wrote over summer on growing up.

hope

all pictures in this post || via tumblr

hope

is the sunlight spilling over the edge of the horizon

the faint breeze tickling the dew-stained grass

it's a baby's first cry

the empty tomb

the reason today is worth living

hope

is love unparalleled

it's faith in the unknown

trust in the unseen

belief in the unfound

h o p e

the medicine for depression

the cure for bitterness

the life-long pursuit the world seeks

if found in the Him,

it's the only ingredient needed for true happiness

sometimes,

i forget

the hope i have

until it's gone

then i remember.

nothing hurts more than crushed hope.

hope deferred makes the heart sick

but when the desire comes,

it is a tree of life

-proverbs 13:12-

it's his birthday

dear darling,

i don't think you quite comprehend how adorable and precious you are to us. you're the first brother we've ever had, and you have been a gobstopasmashing one. i never know what to expect around you; your frank toothy smile with who-knows-what smears around the chin, and your obsession with all things noisy and truck-y. it's almost like living in a extended amusement park with you around. although you have been countless labelled as spoiled by your loving (and awesome) older sisters, you know that you will always have a little special place in our hearts, doncha? you've been kissed, coddled, cuddled, squeezed, pinched, and hugged countless times by us. mom says that you are so blessed because we dote on you too much. but then again, you're growing up, and i'm sure there will be one day you look down at us (from your lofty height) and say, "can you not coddle me in public anymore? i'm getting too old." and my heart will break, but i'll still cuddle you (albeit not in public) because you'll always be little brother.

and when that day comes for you to set off into the world, and taste firsthand what a evil, cruel, and depressing world it is, i'll tell you to see that beauty beneath the ugliness. that if you look closely, you'll see the traces of glorious beauty streaming forth, a reflection of the Creator's radiance.

i can't believe you're already five. it might seem lightyears away from teen-hood and adulthood, but you'll be there someday too soon. and i'm going to treasure every single moment i have with the sweetest, best hair-flicking bro i ever have.

happy birthday, luke.

little sunshine boy.

time's flying too fast || ♥


{and i'm leaving you with some enthusiastic flag-waving and patriotism from the boy himself}

this post is dedicated to The Doctor in honor of the 50th anniversary of Doctor Who which is to be released sometime over this weekend, so go grab something blue to hold on to in honor of the amazing Tardis.

{you're welcome (because you thanked me for reminding you, right? yes you did)}

-please be prepared for a high level of fangirling which is typically very abnormal for me-

all the eleven doctors

YESYESYESYESYESYESYES

...please?

I thought... well, I started to think you were just a madman with a box.

Amy Pond, there's something you better understand about me, 'cause it's important and one day your life may depend on it. I am definitely a madman with a box.

and just in case you don't know who the doctors are, these dudes are the ninth, tenth, and eleventh doctors.
i'm been pretty crazy with the doctor who series recently.
ohmygoodness just look at them.

perks of travelling with the doctor:

1. the tendency to talk about the most random things, like bananas of course, in front of an army of cyber things who could kill you any moment

2. exaggerated facial expressions

3. exaggerated voice intonations

4. exaggerated everything

5. AND THE FEZ. THE FEZ. (enough said)

6. and also so many feels. so, so many.

THE 50TH ANNIVERSARY DOCTOR WHO SPECIAL IS COMING OUT ON SUNDAY.

oh guys, when i found that it was to be also screened on the bbc channel here in singapore, i was like shrieking and screaming. and my family, who still retained a some sanity (how do they even do that??), was naturally very shaken by my demonstration and thought me nuts. but anyways.

bow ties are cool || ♥

and it's mid-november

all photos || via some cool place on tumblr

and hallo, it's already mid-november with a month (only a month!) to the busiest time of the year, Christmas. i don't really know how i've been doing. last week, at the conference, i saw so many people i've missed for the past few years and it was exciting to see what they had been up to and how God was at work in their lives. but when they ask me how i've been doing, i put on a great big smile (that is probably too huge to be genuine and would make the cheshire cat proud) and say i'm doing great. wonderful. fabulous. gobstopasmashing. which isn't totally true of course, but one doesn't expect a torrent of little picky problems to come tumbling out when asked "how have you been."

i don't really know how to answer them anyways. at that moment, i feel alright. ready and brave to conquer fresh problems. but within the next hour, i'm wallowing in a hole of depression and self-pity, which i know is not healthy. mood swings that others tell me it's normal to have at this age. but i don't like this normal. can't normal be joyful and peaceful? i've just been really tired maybe. too tired from focusing too much on the little things in life and missing out on the big picture God has for me. there are so many distractions, so, so many for a teenage girl living in a society that simply parades distractions. and i just have to keep reminding myself: when tired, rest. rest in the peace only He can give.

(anyways, i was just thinking the other day how nice it would be to go travelling for a few months some vague time in the future. see the world that God's created. just thinking about it makes me happy. oh! and in addition, i saw that jocee is having a giveaway of really cool stuff so go on, check her out. you won't be disappointed. {this is a sort of anticlimactic/rambly end to the entire thoughtful ambiance of this post. well, deal with it; that's just my personality ha. and yes, i've missed this dear little place to share my thoughts and with you all. glad to be back after a month of hectic busyness!})

♥

this is gab

photo courtesy of n.

this is gab.

a.k.a. gabby, gabsicles, gabriella, bi. [her real name is gabrielle]

i knew her ever since i was born. our papas were good friends in secondary school, so we are pretty old friends. she's short [sorry, girl! but short = concentrated awesomeness, right? ♥], fiery, bubbly, and totally knows how to have a good laugh.

we weren't always good friends, though. there was a time when we were little that i used to dislike her immensely because she was fun to be around and everybody liked her and my other best friend loved hanging around her and i thought she was being bossy and whatever. i can't remember all the grievances against her, but i only know that because our parents were really good friends, we went on holidays together, attended the same church, and pretty much saw each other frequently. so i had to learn some serious lessons about friendship.

okay, so long story short, there was one explosion we had at cameron highlands, malaysia, when we just pissed at each other and didn't talk for half of the holiday. it was silent treatment until i realized that i was a little [well, maybe very] selfish and stupid for being angry at her for no justifiable reason. and then we made up and were best friends again.

but then we stopped attending the same church, and stopped the weekly meetups and crazy hangouts. it was really depressing, believe me. once in a while, we do a get-together and everyone has a smashing time catching up, teasing, laughing, eating, and reminiscing the "good 'ol times."

so this is gab--small, bubbly, lively, laughter.

//

we had one of those crazy get-together a while ago. it was, simply crazy awesome.

kindred spirits with this girl? you bet.

profile ii.

what if

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some nights, i think very deep thoughts. tonight's one of those. i'm just thinking, you know, what if i never accomplish what i want in my life? what if i never get married? what if i die still young? what if i become socially awkward? what if my eyes forever stay small? what if my freckles never go away? what if someone eats the last bit of double chocolate ice cream in the freezer?

-but also more deeper thoughts, like-

what if God had never predestined me? what if i was still lost in darkness? what would it to be constantly depressed? what it be like to never know the true Light? what if i didn't exist? what if i was born in another country, in another family? who am i? what am going to do with my future?

i don't have all the answers yet. but i feel safer knowing that i'm not in control of my life's story. He is. i don't need to know all the answers. all i need to know is that He came down for me, and loves me with so much passion that He would agree to exchange His life for mine, on that beautifully dreadful day. that's why i owe Him so much, and He can take my life and use it for His glory.

the little happy things {1-15}

1. when the strangers you smile at smile back

2. screaming and cheering during games

3. looking into people's eyes and seeing something you never saw before

4. picking up the school vibe

5. listening to disney music

6. rainy afternoons curled up in your bed

7. colorful stationary and accessories that make you happy

8. smelling coffee brewing in the kitchen on a rainy day

9. having blurry conversations before dropping off to sleep

10. eating the best cookies two days in a row

11. daydreaming about nothing much, really
12. yelling singing out favorite music in random situations
13. scraping off the whipped cream from the cake and eating it
14. when your brother tells you you're pretty
15. listening over and over again the chords of a beautifully sad song

//

{inspired by jenn}

today is prissy's birthday. happy birthday darling. you're an awesome leetle sister and i just wanted you to know that ♥

this is ash + a happy birthday

me-left. ash-right.

this is ash.

{well, perhaps i should say 'this is natasha' but i call her ash, so it doesn't really matter does it?}

i knew her ever since i was about eight or nine. she was a quiet girl, always standing there with her younger brother, hair neatly braided. she never really participated in the games i came up with [such as who-can-roll-the-fastest-on-the-floor-to-the-end-of-the-room game], and was usually regarding me and the other boisterous kids playing with me with a very suspicious eye.

but no matter. i didn't really care too much. too busy mussing up my clothes and hair maybe. anyways, she popped over to our new church when both of us were about eleven, and because i had been praying for a girl my age, she seemed to answer my prayers. it was pretty awesome until i discovered we had so many differences.

she hates cheese, i love it.

she despises dressing up. i adore it.

she'd rather not hug. i love hugs.

she doesn't like heights / roller coasters. boy, do i love them.

she's typically a leader. i'm not.
she talks only when she has something legit to say. i tend to ramble.

i had to learn how to overcome them, how to give in sometimes, how to control my temper, how to state opinions in ways that didn't hurt people. she taught me a lot. and in the past 5 years, our friendship has grown and matured. it wasn't just a short sprint; no, it was a marathon that i had to run. and although we've had tons of disagreements and fights, we've stuck through till today. she knows exactly when i just want to talk and rant, and want her to reply, and when i just need a shoulder to cry on. never mind that she's sometimes too bossy :), i mean we all have our weaknesses. never mind that she's the same age as me, her wisdom far surpasses her years. she's calm, cool and she listens.

even though we are very different [we both DO love chocolate and sweets, though], we enjoy hanging out. earlier this year, we met at j.co just to talk and tease ha. and we had a smashing time. [we were supposed to meet for lunch, but we decided doughnuts were a better choice. we're awesome like that.]

so this is ash--slender, different, bossy, lovely.

{and today's her birthday. we're going out to ice skate at the j.cube ice ring on friday. i'm sure it's going to be rockin' fun (photos hopefully coming soon!).

happy sweet sixteen darling ♥  just wanna say thank you for putting up with me. i'm not the best at time, but you've been simply ah-mazinga. when i heard this, it made me think of you. Ü}

//

 ♥♥

in which i do a profile of one the closest kindred spirits by me.

once upon another moon

via

once upon another time, when we were so close. when we shared our hearts, lives, and dreams. when we truth-or-dared one another with dire consequences. when we dreamed about the future. when we silently cursed growing up because it brought us further apart. (when i dreaded it even more and cried for quite a while.)

it's a full moon tonight. not just any moon. but the deep, wax-yellow moon with the halo of light around it, just as how it was always had been. as i stared up at it, the beautiful wax-yellow light it shed, i remembered. i remembered how our families used to eat together so often, and the stupid random funny conversations we had. my inside ached for the times. a breeze caught my hair and played with it for a while. i breathed deeply. breathed in that familiar smell of balmy nights laughing and teasing. breathed in the memories and let them sink. sink right down into the bottom of my heart, where i hoped they would be kept forever and always.

bittersweet. isn't that the word they use to describe chocolate? maybe that would fit us. we were bittersweet. sometimes nice, other times not so. and because we were, the memories became that too. they were bittersweet, capable of evoking a sense of warmth but all too capable of bringing hurt. but bittersweet all the same.

//

i thought of many people while writing this.

many people, but mainly t.c.b. and q.w.

ps: thanks for all the lovely comments. you all are darlings, and if you haven't any time to do the blog challenge thingamajig, then no worries :) love you all ♥♥

my sisters

blog challenge (month 1, iii.)

+ photoshoot from a long while back

these are two of my leetle sisters.

they are little darlings, amazing in their own unique way, and pretty much the best ever.

blog award! and cool stuff like that

yay!

the following cyber cookie + whipped cream latte is for amelia who nominated me for the versatile blogger award, along with fifteen other fun bloggers!

thanks, dear :)

so these are peeps i nominate. very versatile and lovely people they are (in no special order):

1. Storia by anna (life, dreams, photography)
2. The Cupcake Dictionary by jocee (life, fangirling, cupcakes -yay-)
3. Rachel Nicole by rachel (life, family, photography/videography)
4. A Lavender Sea by tessa (life, travels, family)
5. The Lone Sparrow by lizabeth (reflections, photography)
6. Hannah Elise by hannah (photography, life)
7. Carlotta Cisternas by carlotta (life, photography, thoughts)
8. Unoriginal Originality by jenn (life, photography, fun stuff)
9. Bonfire Hearts by johanna (thoughts, life, photography, love)
10. Standard T by toyoshi (fashion, lifestyle, life, photography)
11. In Reckless Abandon by marcia (photography, life, love)
12. Brave by amy (thoughts, life, photography)
13. Yours Truly... by jess (photography, life, thoughts, coffee)
14. Grace's Garden Walk by grace (photography, life, thoughts, love)
15. Finding Beauty by mikailah (photography, life)

if you’re one of the lovely bloggers that I nominated, here’s what you have to do:

1. display the Award Certificate on your blog.
2. announce your win with a post (like this one!). make sure you post a link back to whoever nominated you as a ‘thank you’ for the nomination.
3. present the award to your own fifteen deserving bloggers.
4. leave each of the nominees a comment to let them know you’ve nominated them after you have linked them to your post.
5. post seven interesting things about yourself.

all good? cool stuff. so now, seven interesting things about myself:

1. a bag of jellies/chocolates won't last a day with me.
2. i like colors. immensely.
3. i love heights.
4. i try to make random strangers laugh, and i love laughing myself.
5. my favorite thing to do ever is to sleep in on rainy mornings. and then wake up to hot, english breakfast + good book.
6. i'm a foodie. i take this very seriously.
7. i think i'm a pretty optimistic person (that means positive person, right?).
8. whipped cream and latte forever.

lest you think i'm a rebel kid and can't follow simple instructions such as ONLY seven things about myself, the last one's not something about me. it's just like a footnote, that tells you where i stand in the important issue of starbucks and coffee.

♥