Feb 9, 2014


“There is such a place as fairyland - but only children can find the way to it. And they do not know that it is fairyland until they have grown so old that they forget the way. One bitter day, when they seek it and cannot find it, they realize what they have lost; and that is the tragedy of life. On that day the gates of Eden are shut behind them and the age of gold is over. Henceforth they must dwell in the common light of common day. Only a few, who remain children at heart, can ever find that fair, lost path again; and blessed are they above mortals. They, and only they, can bring us tidings from that dear country where we once sojourned and from which we must evermore be exiles. The world calls them its singers and poets and artists and story-tellers; but they are just people who have never forgotten the way to fairyland.” 
-lucy maud montgomery, story girl-

i am awake before dawn, when the creases in the sky threatens to spill light and a lone star glistens overhead. there's something magical about the time before dawn. everything is quiet except for a solitary rumble of a distant car. the wind dances through the trees, making queer rustling sounds that remind me of the rustling of silken dresses. i make myself a very concentrated mixture of spicy apple cider and golden honey just to wake myself up, which burns my throat, but leaves a pleasant, tingling sensation. if one could taste sun rays, i would wholeheartedly vouch that it would taste just like that.

then i sit down to think about twenty fourteen.

i've always loved the story girl. she's one of the main characters in montgomery's book of the same name. she is dreamy, wistful, bold, passionate, loving, unpredictable. she thinks in colors, in shades of the rainbow--no wonder life is rarely dull for her. she speaks often of the golden road, a road that children can easily find, and adults rarely walk. then i realize with a start that this year begins my seventeenth year. one more year to college, three more years to twenty. it's almost time for the golden road to end and a new road to begin. but maybe, just maybe, if i try to remain a child at heart, i'll be able to visit the golden road again and look upon everything with the simple wonder and awe of a child.

twenty fourteen, i don't know what you'll bring, or what little surprises you have tucked up your sleeves.
but i promise, i'll make the golden road last for as long as i can.

late new year reflections, just because || 

Feb 4, 2014

within the cracks of sunlight

i met someone the other day. her name was failure, and she cruelly reminded me of how incomparable i was with others. i missed the passing mark by so little. yet she still showed up, determined to tell me how much i had missed the passing mark. how much my clumsy fingers floundered at various artistic skills. how terrible my expression of music was. how i couldn't do anything right.

i met someone else the other day as well. his name was bitterness. he followed me just long enough to harbor on the what failure had sneered at me. just long enough to plant that dreadful seed. no more, no less. he wasn't at all rude. he was so kind, and understanding. sympathetic even. but what he told me about others and myself hurt me far more than failure could.

know that the pull of bitterness and failure is strong. so, so strong. don't ever let them get to you like how i let them get me.
because once that happens, it's hard to forget what was once easy to let go.


nobody means anything, but they feel like everything. they feel like a myriad of relentless piercing throbs starting the deepest, darkest corner of my heart and spreading through me like wildfire, passionate and uncontrolled. it causes the lump in my throat at terribly inconvenient moments, and it takes everything i can muster to prevent the tears. but sometimes i can't, and i hate it when that happens.

i don't even know where difference is between me, and the illusion of me being who i am not.

i guess it all started when i tried to be someone i wasn't.
when i looked at myself and hated myself for being me, and closed my eyes to the true meaning of loving myself as His beautiful child.


i used to imagine sunlight in the shades of dust. how much dust i can see when the sunlight filters through. dust made the light pretty for me, and gave the light perspective. dust is very much unwanted (cleanliness and hygiene-wise). but it's so fascinating, and i can't help loving the unwantedness in it. call me crazy, or laugh at my oddness, but i can see the magical touch dust has on sunlight.

you know how the sea draws back suddenly at low tide, leaving all these debris exposed on the sand? i feel just like that. the cover i've hidden myself under is unraveling, exposing the mess of me. it's not a pretty mess, but it isn't ugly. there's something akin to beauty in that tawny bits of wood lying around, in almost symmetrical scatters. and the rustic glory of the pale, dusty sand.

is fascination with the unbeautiful messes of life good? sometimes people think it's crazy, but maybe that is just because they don't understand.


sometimes pouring my thoughts helps me understand why i made choices, and why things happen.

Jan 29, 2014

happy sunshiney award

"For bloggers who positively and creatively inspire others in the blogosphere."

i'll be the first to admit that by nature, i'm not a very inspiring or creative person. my journey in blogging has driven me to see things in different perspectives, different shades of colors, if you will. i don't usually think in colors, but when i do, it's glorious. colors are merely expressions, but what powerful expressions they are. the deep, robust silkiness of crimson; the innocent paleness of pastel pink; the fresh vivaciousness of lime green; the thrilling sensation of electric blue. colors are inspiring, and i think i drew my inspiration from these little nuances of colors.

but i'm sidetracking just like always. i just want to give a big shoutout to SW over at a free mind, a blog that i frequent because her thoughts are super inspiring, nudging me to dream about possibilities. thank you, dear, and because you're awesome you deserve a extra grande cup of Starbucks chocolate latte and whipped cream. plus a double-chocolate chip cookie and the latest season of bbc sherlock on dvd. (YES)

the rules are:
I. thank the blogger that nominated you and link to his/her blog
II. nominate other bloggers and let them know on their blogs
III. answer a list of ten questions
IV. the Sunshine Award button must be posted on your blog

bloggers i nominate: (in no particular order)

The Ten Questions: (you can either answer these questions or make up your own 10 questions and answer those):
(i'm going to use some questions from SW and make some of my own)

1. What is your favorite Scripture verse?
this is hard. but i think my favorite would be romans 8:1-2:

"there is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. for the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death."

there's just so much hope and meaning wrapped deep inside this verse. i adore it.

2. Would you sacrifice your life if it would save that of a stranger's?
honestly? i'm not sure, because it would really depend on the situation and where i am (physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally) at that moment. i sincerely sincerely hope that in a given situation i will do so though.

3. Given a chance to swim with dolphins . . . would you accept?

(oh look i even want to try dancing with them. like synchronized swimming? i have no idea what i was thinking.)  

4. Are you more "fascinated" by the light or by the darkness; why?
definitely by the darkness. i mean, i love light, but the darkness has always intrigued me (we're talking about literal darkness here, alright, not like sin = darkness, because in that case i shun it ha). i read once in anne of windy willows that darkness is made frightening in the presence of light. darkness by itself can be very comforting when i'm feeling down, with no one to see my eyes spoiled by the tears. maybe also because darkness is less "known" (forgive the term; i can't think of any other suitable word), i find it more fascinating than light.

5. Can you speak with a different accent?

i sure can and i love it. it opens so many doors for exploration. playing around with my voice intonation and expression amuses me greatly, and probably amuses those around me.

6. Would you rather be disliked or forgotten?
oh, this is a good one. i think i'd rather be disliked. being hated for just being me isn't nice, but to me, forgetting is worst. forgetting is not just not liking someone, it's wiping every blessed memory of them off your mind. it's the most cruel thing in friendships, and its wounds stab even deeper than dislike. at least when someone dislikes me, they still know what i'm like and dislike me for that. i can't help it if they repulse people who aren't fitted through a certain mold. but to be forgotten, that is to be not memorable enough to leave an impression on people's lives and impact them, and that, my friends, is a far sadder prospect than being disliked.

7. Has the ocean ever filled your dreams?
strangely, no. or at least, not that i remember super clearly. i love the clear sea, and there's nothing like vacation by the beach, but i'm also afraid of the things in the sea. i can swim beautifully, but i don't like the feeling of something lurking beneath the surface.

8. Presuming you own one, how often is your journal put to use?
i am ashamed to say...very very very very very very rarely. it's been hard for me to write because of eczema on my fingers, and i save the energy of writing with two fingers for my work. but i'd really love to get back to it slowly. journalling is a habit and treasure i've yet to master.

i do love writing down my sporadic thoughts and little quotes from here and there, though. oh, and also poems that most of the time don't rhyme (ha).

9. Favorite fictional character of all time?
james moriaty (from bbc rendition of sherlock). he is just like the awesomestest villain character of all time. don't ask me why; he's just is. because i say so.


10. What is your favorite hymn?
in Christ alone. oh, and also how deep the Father's love for us. those two have to be my favorite of all time.

♥ || blogger awards