back into His arms

(note: this is a word-filled, picture-less post sorry xx)

I suck at being a Christian.

No kidding.

I'm too easily distracted // Wilfully distracted by things I know will drive my attention away from important things. Staying away from distractions is hard, and it needs discipline, and sometimes (more often than not) I get tired. I get tired of fighting to be focused. I get tired of turning away when I see something, not necessarily bad but not necessarily vital for my emotional/spiritual/mental/social wellbeing either.

I'm too easily put off // Doubting people's (often) sincere intentions. I get upset when people misunderstand me. I am frustrated at people's stereotype of who they think I am. And the worst part, I am put off by my own inability to love like Christ.

I'm too easily bought over // Lies, the lies of this world, are a plenty. Many of them are half-truths, some are blatant lies, others are white lies. You give me a sad story that I can empathise with, and chances are I'll side with you. Better yet if you get a hold of my fragile emotions and invoke tears. Sometimes this is good. It helps me relate to people. But, other times, it causes me to question my beliefs based on a single sad story. Like, hey Elisabeth, are you even serious? You have spent all your years understanding the Bible from inside out, knowing that certain things are sins and other things are unto righteousness, and I give you a sad story and you almost immediately side with me? What even? This causes me frustration as I ponder on my fragility and weakness, and my incapability to stand firm.

Something happened earlier today that made me lose control and become the broken and confused monster that never really left me when I accepted Christ. I cannot understand why sometimes God allows these to happen, but I think know that through these I am made perfect in my weakness. My weakness is what makes me human, and it is also what makes me need Christ. Christianity is all about relying on Someone other than yourself to save you; some people say they would rather save themselves, but honey, how can you save yourself when you don't know what you're saving yourself from?

It's almost one AM now, and I'm probably the only one awake in my home. It's quiet, and I finally have time to think and wonder, what is one thing in my life that I would die for. Because really, that's the motivation of my life. I used to say without thinking, Jesus Christ. But if I'm really honest with myself, truly truly honest, I don't even know what to say.

Academic motivations and plans for the future cloud my vision of Christ right now, and I can't see Him clearly. Entertainment and music musk the sweet smell of His presence. I know I know I know. But knowing, it's not enough.

Where to start? Where to begin to erase the dirts and smudge marks I've made over the once clear image of Him?

I guess I have to start where I started once.

Back in His arms.

storm of lies | it's fiction time (iv.)

via tumblr

let the words burn as they leave your throat
chilling the air around you
he asked for it, no one can blame
your patience that is worn
so thin

let the seas roar as they rush
down, down
to the pool beneath your feet
no apologies, not now
not ever

let the skies rumble as black clouds darken
eyes like a storm of grey
turn, turn
you are the eye of the storm
calm and raging

let the wind howl
let the storm rage
let your love be lost in the gale
it has happened before
it will happen again

but you will learn to love once more

inspired by:

It’s funny, you only really know what someone thinks of you

when you know what lies they’ve told you.

-doctor who-


today has been a cold, drear day and it felt appropriate to be inspired for this.
and bazinga! it's already february. craaazy.

hope you like this piece as much as i liked to write it
xx.

growing up | repost from 2013

via some tumblr awesomeness

very long ago, when we were still young, when we thought the world revolved around us, when we had no cares in this world, i thought that our time together was forever. that nothing would ever pull us away from being the bestest of friends.

then we all had to grow up.

slowly, but surely, we stopped seeing each other every other day. stopped these, and starting meeting new people, seeing new things, experiencing fresh enjoyments. and, i suppose, that is growing up.

bittersweet memories of how we used to fight, give silent treatment, and then make up again.

of how we used to play like a bunch of hooligans.

of how we used to tell everyone we were siblings.

of how we would exchange secrets, and dream together of the future.

and now, we've gone our separate ways. friends still, just apart for a while.

growing up? maybe, but i've yet to get used to it.

sometimes these memories, carefully stowed safely at the back of my mind, slip out and make me long for times long past. and when i breathe in the fresh and cool night air, the memories of long ago, pleasant and soothing, haunt me, evoking a sense of loneliness for that time. and sometimes, i wish we could just escape back in time, and be who we were.

the world kinda gets complicated once you're older, doesn't it?

more cares, more responsibilities, more duties to fulfill.

and i just want to freeze that moment, back in time, and remember everything.

i've learnt to treasure those memories, every single one.

“Growing apart doesn't change the fact that
for a long time we grew side by side;
our roots will always be tangled.
I'm glad for that.” 

- Ally Condie, Matched -

i was looking through my old posts and found this. thought you guys might like reading it again ♥

xx