within the cracks of sunlight

i met someone the other day. her name was failure, and she cruelly reminded me of how incomparable i was with others. i missed the passing mark by so little. yet she still showed up, determined to tell me how much i had missed the passing mark. how much my clumsy fingers floundered at various artistic skills. how terrible my expression of music was. how i couldn't do anything right.

i met someone else the other day as well. his name was bitterness. he followed me just long enough to harbor on the what failure had sneered at me. just long enough to plant that dreadful seed. no more, no less. he wasn't at all rude. he was so kind, and understanding. sympathetic even. but what he told me about others and myself hurt me far more than failure could.

know that the pull of bitterness and failure is strong. so, so strong. don't ever let them get to you like how i let them get me.

because once that happens, it's hard to forget what was once easy to let go.

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nobody means anything, but they feel like everything. they feel like a myriad of relentless piercing throbs starting the deepest, darkest corner of my heart and spreading through me like wildfire, passionate and uncontrolled. it causes the lump in my throat at terribly inconvenient moments, and it takes everything i can muster to prevent the tears. but sometimes i can't, and i hate it when that happens.

i don't even know where difference is between me, and the illusion of me being who i am not.

i guess it all started when i tried to be someone i wasn't.

when i looked at myself and hated myself for being me, and closed my eyes to the true meaning of loving myself as His beautiful child.

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i used to imagine sunlight in the shades of dust. how much dust i can see when the sunlight filters through. dust made the light pretty for me, and gave the light perspective. dust is very much unwanted (cleanliness and hygiene-wise). but it's so fascinating, and i can't help loving the unwantedness in it. call me crazy, or laugh at my oddness, but i can see the magical touch dust has on sunlight.

you know how the sea draws back suddenly at low tide, leaving all these debris exposed on the sand? i feel just like that. the cover i've hidden myself under is unraveling, exposing the mess of me. it's not a pretty mess, but it isn't ugly. there's something akin to beauty in that tawny bits of wood lying around, in almost symmetrical scatters. and the rustic glory of the pale, dusty sand.

is fascination with the unbeautiful messes of life good? sometimes people think it's crazy, but maybe that is just because they don't understand.

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sometimes pouring my thoughts helps me understand why i made choices, and why things happen.

happy sunshiney award

"For bloggers who positively and creatively inspire others in the blogosphere."

i'll be the first to admit that by nature, i'm not a very inspiring or creative person. my journey in blogging has driven me to see things in different perspectives, different shades of colors, if you will. i don't usually think in colors, but when i do, it's glorious. colors are merely expressions, but what powerful expressions they are. the deep, robust silkiness of crimson; the innocent paleness of pastel pink; the fresh vivaciousness of lime green; the thrilling sensation of electric blue. colors are inspiring, and i think i drew my inspiration from these little nuances of colors.

but i'm sidetracking just like always. i just want to give a big shoutout to SW over at a free mind, a blog that i frequent because her thoughts are super inspiring, nudging me to dream about possibilities. thank you, dear, and because you're awesome you deserve a extra grande cup of Starbucks chocolate latte and whipped cream. plus a double-chocolate chip cookie and the latest season of bbc sherlock on dvd. (YES)

the rules are:

I. thank the blogger that nominated you and link to his/her blog
II. nominate other bloggers and let them know on their blogs
III. answer a list of ten questions
IV. the Sunshine Award button must be posted on your blog

bloggers i nominate: (in no particular order)

• anna sophia
• ash
• prissy
• bekah joan
• rachel nicole
• maddie

The Ten Questions: (you can either answer these questions or make up your own 10 questions and answer those):

(i'm going to use some questions from SW and make some of my own)

1. What is your favorite Scripture verse? this is hard. but i think my favorite would be romans 8:1-2: "there is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. for the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death." there's just so much hope and meaning wrapped deep inside this verse. i adore it. 2. Would you sacrifice your life if it would save that of a stranger's? honestly? i'm not sure, because it would really depend on the situation and where i am (physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally) at that moment. i sincerely sincerely hope that in a given situation i will do so though. 3. Given a chance to swim with dolphins . . . would you accept? YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYSYEYSYEYSYYSYSYS. (oh look i even want to try dancing with them. like synchronized swimming? i have no idea what i was thinking.)   4. Are you more "fascinated" by the light or by the darkness; why? definitely by the darkness. i mean, i love light, but the darkness has always intrigued me (we're talking about literal darkness here, alright, not like sin = darkness, because in that case i shun it ha). i read once in anne of windy willows that darkness is made frightening in the presence of light. darkness by itself can be very comforting when i'm feeling down, with no one to see my eyes spoiled by the tears. maybe also because darkness is less "known" (forgive the term; i can't think of any other suitable word), i find it more fascinating than light. 5. Can you speak with a different accent? i sure can and i love it. it opens so many doors for exploration. playing around with my voice intonation and expression amuses me greatly, and probably amuses those around me. 6. Would you rather be disliked or forgotten? oh, this is a good one. i think i'd rather be disliked. being hated for just being me isn't nice, but to me, forgetting is worst. forgetting is not just not liking someone, it's wiping every blessed memory of them off your mind. it's the most cruel thing in friendships, and its wounds stab even deeper than dislike. at least when someone dislikes me, they still know what i'm like and dislike me for that. i can't help it if they repulse people who aren't fitted through a certain mold. but to be forgotten, that is to be not memorable enough to leave an impression on people's lives and impact them, and that, my friends, is a far sadder prospect than being disliked.

7. Has the ocean ever filled your dreams? strangely, no. or at least, not that i remember super clearly. i love the clear sea, and there's nothing like vacation by the beach, but i'm also afraid of the things in the sea. i can swim beautifully, but i don't like the feeling of something lurking beneath the surface. 8. Presuming you own one, how often is your journal put to use? i am ashamed to say...very very very very very very rarely. it's been hard for me to write because of eczema on my fingers, and i save the energy of writing with two fingers for my work. but i'd really love to get back to it slowly. journalling is a habit and treasure i've yet to master. i do love writing down my sporadic thoughts and little quotes from here and there, though. oh, and also poems that most of the time don't rhyme (ha). 9. Favorite fictional character of all time? james moriaty (from bbc rendition of sherlock). he is just like the awesomestest villain character of all time. don't ask me why; he's just is. because i say so. :) 10. What is your favorite hymn? in Christ alone. oh, and also how deep the Father's love for us. those two have to be my favorite of all time.

♥ || blogger awards

it's chocolate (recipe i.)

remember this? "try 16 recipes."

via

so i made chocolate the other day.

by myself.

elisabeth fong. making chocolate.

{no the world isn't going to end now, nor in 2025. unless He comes back, but that's a different story}

and you're probably like, "seriously. is that even possible? and i bet hers doesn't taste as good as hersheys."

well duh. maybe that's because i'm not a globally renowned company with an operating income of 905 million bucks.
and maybe it's also because i wanted a healthier alternative.

maybe you know, maybe you don't, but i've been having eczema spontaneously flaring up on my hands. not fun at all. because there was no apparent reason for my condition, except my unfortunate habit of needing something (usually junk food) to eat when studying, my mom pronounced me gluten intolerant, soy intolerant, lactose intolerant, water intolerant. yes, water intolerant. don't you know that eczema people can't constantly touch water because water is an enemy to eczema infected people? go do you research. well, except for showering. i made that an exception. i still try to keep myself clean (aren't you glad i'm actually telling you this?).

i've learnt to do most things with my index finger and thumb, because those have escaped the claws of this non-communicable disease (again, do you research. i'm not in an isolated room with only a crack of sunlight and a pan of gluten-free food pushed in through the hole in the door daily...although i do wish i had a pan of prepared GF food, so i don't have to overuse my four good fingers). i've even taught myself how to write with two fingers. impossible? i beg to differ.

but i've learned to cope with it. once it's cleared, i can start take things "in moderation," which essentially means The Mother rationing out the amount i can eat in grams to the nearest hundredth decimal point because i tend to overdo it. you get the idea.

the amazing thing is that this change in diet seems to be helping. the situation seems to be improving, and after it's cleared, i can start to test my allergens, which also means eating the things i'm suspected to be allergic to (!!!). Mom just made those guesses because my good 'ol Gramps is allergic to gluten, Daddy's sorta intolerant of seafood, and Gramma doesn't take a lot of dairy because of personal preferences. i just hope it doesn't run that much in the family. but, i've found a ton of recipes online that allow people that can't take gluten to eat bread! and lactose-intolerant people to eat chocolate! indeed, this is quite a feat of nature.

some websites i fell in love with are:

- Gluten-Free Goddess {i go to Karina's website almost everyday and stare at the sheer beauty of the things i can eat as a person as possibly intolerant to many things}

- Hope's Kitchen {a recipe blog that give hope to gluttons like myself forced into this lifestyle. she has a recipe for amazing apple fritters that i just cannot wait to try. as soon as i can eat yeast. which will be soon.}

- The Gluten Free Scallywag {doncha just love the name? this one's a recently discovered jewel that i added to my collection of websites i love}

{maybe i should start talking about what i was initially supposed to post about}

right. we were talking about chocolate that i made.

and can i just say it was the first chocolate i had eaten in more than a month and that it was the amazingestest chocolate i've ever tasted? {allow me to have a moment fangirling my chocolate here. k thks}

i've had this chocolate craving for an immensely long period of time. essentially slightly longer than the hiatus (love that word, by the way) in my blogging. so i said to myself, girl, you gotta make yourself some dairy-free chocolate.

so i did what every person would most probably do. i googled it and found a basic recipe for chocolate using coconut oil and cocoa powder. just so happened, The Parents are, i would say, reasonably obsessed with coconut oil as a healthy supplement to combat viruses. so we have lots of it in our house. cocoa powder? no problem. Mom bakes, and we have hershey's 100% cocoa powder {fine. i did use hersheys. but my chocolate is still (considerably) healthy and homemade}. we did have slivered almonds, and raisins,  sugar, and honey, and almond milk (which is dairy-free) to give it a milky, dairy-free texture.

i modified this recipe to whatever i had at home. and the rest is history that is sitting comfortably in my tummy. and because i used coconut oil which boost metabolic rate, it's less guilt for the hips, too.

oh yeah, and SW, as soon as i finish fangirling my chocolate and getting hyped up on food alternatives, i promise to work on the sunshine award, dear. thankies xx. 

live to eat, eat to live || ♥