happy sunshiney award

"For bloggers who positively and creatively inspire others in the blogosphere."

i'll be the first to admit that by nature, i'm not a very inspiring or creative person. my journey in blogging has driven me to see things in different perspectives, different shades of colors, if you will. i don't usually think in colors, but when i do, it's glorious. colors are merely expressions, but what powerful expressions they are. the deep, robust silkiness of crimson; the innocent paleness of pastel pink; the fresh vivaciousness of lime green; the thrilling sensation of electric blue. colors are inspiring, and i think i drew my inspiration from these little nuances of colors.

but i'm sidetracking just like always. i just want to give a big shoutout to SW over at a free mind, a blog that i frequent because her thoughts are super inspiring, nudging me to dream about possibilities. thank you, dear, and because you're awesome you deserve a extra grande cup of Starbucks chocolate latte and whipped cream. plus a double-chocolate chip cookie and the latest season of bbc sherlock on dvd. (YES)

the rules are:

I. thank the blogger that nominated you and link to his/her blog
II. nominate other bloggers and let them know on their blogs
III. answer a list of ten questions
IV. the Sunshine Award button must be posted on your blog

bloggers i nominate: (in no particular order)

• anna sophia
• ash
• prissy
• bekah joan
• rachel nicole
• maddie

The Ten Questions: (you can either answer these questions or make up your own 10 questions and answer those):

(i'm going to use some questions from SW and make some of my own)

1. What is your favorite Scripture verse? this is hard. but i think my favorite would be romans 8:1-2: "there is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. for the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death." there's just so much hope and meaning wrapped deep inside this verse. i adore it. 2. Would you sacrifice your life if it would save that of a stranger's? honestly? i'm not sure, because it would really depend on the situation and where i am (physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally) at that moment. i sincerely sincerely hope that in a given situation i will do so though. 3. Given a chance to swim with dolphins . . . would you accept? YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYSYEYSYEYSYYSYSYS. (oh look i even want to try dancing with them. like synchronized swimming? i have no idea what i was thinking.)   4. Are you more "fascinated" by the light or by the darkness; why? definitely by the darkness. i mean, i love light, but the darkness has always intrigued me (we're talking about literal darkness here, alright, not like sin = darkness, because in that case i shun it ha). i read once in anne of windy willows that darkness is made frightening in the presence of light. darkness by itself can be very comforting when i'm feeling down, with no one to see my eyes spoiled by the tears. maybe also because darkness is less "known" (forgive the term; i can't think of any other suitable word), i find it more fascinating than light. 5. Can you speak with a different accent? i sure can and i love it. it opens so many doors for exploration. playing around with my voice intonation and expression amuses me greatly, and probably amuses those around me. 6. Would you rather be disliked or forgotten? oh, this is a good one. i think i'd rather be disliked. being hated for just being me isn't nice, but to me, forgetting is worst. forgetting is not just not liking someone, it's wiping every blessed memory of them off your mind. it's the most cruel thing in friendships, and its wounds stab even deeper than dislike. at least when someone dislikes me, they still know what i'm like and dislike me for that. i can't help it if they repulse people who aren't fitted through a certain mold. but to be forgotten, that is to be not memorable enough to leave an impression on people's lives and impact them, and that, my friends, is a far sadder prospect than being disliked.

7. Has the ocean ever filled your dreams? strangely, no. or at least, not that i remember super clearly. i love the clear sea, and there's nothing like vacation by the beach, but i'm also afraid of the things in the sea. i can swim beautifully, but i don't like the feeling of something lurking beneath the surface. 8. Presuming you own one, how often is your journal put to use? i am ashamed to say...very very very very very very rarely. it's been hard for me to write because of eczema on my fingers, and i save the energy of writing with two fingers for my work. but i'd really love to get back to it slowly. journalling is a habit and treasure i've yet to master. i do love writing down my sporadic thoughts and little quotes from here and there, though. oh, and also poems that most of the time don't rhyme (ha). 9. Favorite fictional character of all time? james moriaty (from bbc rendition of sherlock). he is just like the awesomestest villain character of all time. don't ask me why; he's just is. because i say so. :) 10. What is your favorite hymn? in Christ alone. oh, and also how deep the Father's love for us. those two have to be my favorite of all time.

♥ || blogger awards

on the eve of christmas

via tumblr

christmas.

christ-mas.

even the word has such a beautiful sound to it. it whispers hope, love, and peace. it excites dreams of lights, fragrance, and joy. i think christmas is really my favorite word.

it's also my favorite season and holiday. there are many reasons why. maybe it's because of the presents and gifts. or maybe it's the atmosphere of joy and laughter. perhaps the old-time favorite carols and newer upbeat songs make me bubble inside with happiness. ah, maybe it's the smell of all sorts of delicious things baking and cooking. but mainly it is the contentment and fulfillment of joy that He came down for me, something that i {usually} tend to take for granted in the busy, unimportant details of everyday life.

this year's christmas isn't exactly the best i've had. stress + not enough rest + too much nonsense snacking = a suspected inflation of dermatitis herpetiformis on some of my fingers. in addition, life has been busy and crazy. no christmas tree, or christmas decorations this year for us. no time to put them up, no time to contemplate the true reason why this season exist, no time, no time, no time. i've been using the "i'm busy" line too much, i think it's becoming an excuse. and excuse for something that never existed. i do have the time. i'm just not actively seeking it out.

christmas is becoming a holiday for me. not a time of rest and reflection, but just another holiday that is madly packed with presents to buy, things to do, stuff to see, cards to make, songs to practice, and no time at all to ponder why i even celebrate it. 

it's christmas eve. the shopping is done, presents are bought, choir practice is over, and i'm sitting resting and thinking {and blogging because it helps me sort my mind out}. the Greatest Light of all has come down to save men from the biggest enemy of all--their own sins. born of a virgin, was a hundred percent God and hundred percent man, fulfilled prophecies hundred of years before His birth--humanly impossible and logically unreasonable. but for the Creator of all, what is impossible? and i wholeheartedly believe that that's the story of christmas. the love of God manifest. the blind made to see, and the impossible made possible.

dear you | have a beautiful christmas ♥

my book people

via tumblr

i'm the kind of person who understands people in books wayyy more than people in real life. but i'm not that typical kind that is an introvert, shy to speak. i'm loud; noisy, to say the least. i enjoy public speaking, performing in skits, and speaking to new people. strangely, though, i find myself identifying more with the people in books. they're my kindred spirits; people i've never seen, but always known. recently, i've been having a trying time, but books just whisk me away to another world. and the book people, it's like they identify with exactly how i feel. it's like they are me. you know the feeling when people don't understand you, and you don't try very hard to understand them back? i'm a little like that. i must say, though, i have some precious friends are exactly like the book people. they understand. and i've some other friends who just make me laugh and don't expect me to say anything in return. they're amazing. just like the book people. sometimes, i even dream up my very own book people. someday perhaps i'll share them with you lovelies.

i've found a book person unlike one i've never had before. i've not used to having an old, dying man as one of my book people, but (surprisingly/shockingly/astonishingly) yes, i do. as of yesterday night.

maybe some background would help. i was feeling terrible that night. nothing (and when i say nothing, i mean literally nothing) was going right. and i had to clean a pile of dishes and take out the trash, while the little sibs (amazing at times, not so at others) were cleaning the table way too slow for my liking. you know those days. naturally, i was feeling m.i.s.e.r.a.b.l.e. it was then that i found him.

his name, is ivan ilych. he is the main character in leo tolstoy's the death of ivan ilych. i know, he was a dying, grumpy, old man. grouchy, bad-tempered, ready to bite anyone and anything, with his health in bad shape. and i was like, minus out the dying and sick part--that's me. so that's how i got to know him. he hated everyone because he saw them all as liars. they were simply trying to make him feel better and tell him lies about his health condition. he knew they all wanted him dead a.s.a.p. because he was becoming burdensome and he simply hated that hypocritical-ness.

but he meets this other young man who comes to care for him. gerasim, he's called. he was immediately added to my family of book people. he's bubbling with life. he's honest, frank, and joy simply exudes out of him. ivan ilych enjoys his presence immensely, and when gerasim leaves, both ivan and i felt an extreme sense of regret and sadness. gerasim brought with him something that exuded even through the words and into my self. joy. he cheered ivan ilych and me up. and some people might find that strange that i can be so affected by a book like that. but i do, and i am. ivan learns to let bitterness and hate go, and dies happy and peaceful. the story was beautiful. although tolstoy didn't talk much about gerasim after that brief chapter, well, i believe that he impacted ivan. and me as well.

so go. even if you identify perfectly fine with real people, go find some book people to meet. or make up your own if you're good at writing. because sometimes, God uses them to bring joy to your day.

joy will come in the morning || ♥

peter pan and the paradox of growing up

via tumblr

when i was little, i loved peter pan. he was amazing, and i felt a thrill rush through me every time i watched wendy and the two boys escape to neverland with him. i never really understand why peter pan didn't want to grow up; i was dying to. i wanted to be old enough to go out and see the world, dress up, put on makeup, and wear heels. but now, i can see why growing up can be painful.

growing up is a thing i have to face always, on a daily basis. frankly, it often scares me stiff when i picture me in five, ten years. or even in the next few months. only four more years to twenty, and sixteen years have passed by just as quickly as the wind blows. adulthood staring me in the face, beckoning at times and yet, frightening at others. i'm not sure i'm ready for it. there are so many more responsibilities when you're grown up. more privileges, yes, but certainly more responsibilities as well. many i was just too idealistic when i was younger. adulthood isn't all that carefree as i pictured it. and sometimes i wish i could just do nothing and slouch around on the couch, eating chips (i might just end up with a bigger belly this holidays), and sleep. but that's not reality.

i don't want to grow up, and yet i want to. it's a paradox (don't you just love that word? the creators of the english language were poetic even in the phonetics) that i have to face. i want freedom and excitement and fun that adulthood brings, but i don't want the responsibilities and cares. i know that's terrible, because i need be be able to handle these sort of things. that's why it always comforts me when i remember that i can cast all my cares on Him, for He can and will carry me through. it's beautiful, really, when i think about it.

p.s: read a post i wrote over summer on growing up.

hope

all pictures in this post || via tumblr

hope

is the sunlight spilling over the edge of the horizon

the faint breeze tickling the dew-stained grass

it's a baby's first cry

the empty tomb

the reason today is worth living

hope

is love unparalleled

it's faith in the unknown

trust in the unseen

belief in the unfound

h o p e

the medicine for depression

the cure for bitterness

the life-long pursuit the world seeks

if found in the Him,

it's the only ingredient needed for true happiness

sometimes,

i forget

the hope i have

until it's gone

then i remember.

nothing hurts more than crushed hope.

hope deferred makes the heart sick

but when the desire comes,

it is a tree of life

-proverbs 13:12-

it's his birthday

dear darling,

i don't think you quite comprehend how adorable and precious you are to us. you're the first brother we've ever had, and you have been a gobstopasmashing one. i never know what to expect around you; your frank toothy smile with who-knows-what smears around the chin, and your obsession with all things noisy and truck-y. it's almost like living in a extended amusement park with you around. although you have been countless labelled as spoiled by your loving (and awesome) older sisters, you know that you will always have a little special place in our hearts, doncha? you've been kissed, coddled, cuddled, squeezed, pinched, and hugged countless times by us. mom says that you are so blessed because we dote on you too much. but then again, you're growing up, and i'm sure there will be one day you look down at us (from your lofty height) and say, "can you not coddle me in public anymore? i'm getting too old." and my heart will break, but i'll still cuddle you (albeit not in public) because you'll always be little brother.

and when that day comes for you to set off into the world, and taste firsthand what a evil, cruel, and depressing world it is, i'll tell you to see that beauty beneath the ugliness. that if you look closely, you'll see the traces of glorious beauty streaming forth, a reflection of the Creator's radiance.

i can't believe you're already five. it might seem lightyears away from teen-hood and adulthood, but you'll be there someday too soon. and i'm going to treasure every single moment i have with the sweetest, best hair-flicking bro i ever have.

happy birthday, luke.

little sunshine boy.

time's flying too fast || ♥


{and i'm leaving you with some enthusiastic flag-waving and patriotism from the boy himself}

what if

via tumblr

some nights, i think very deep thoughts. tonight's one of those. i'm just thinking, you know, what if i never accomplish what i want in my life? what if i never get married? what if i die still young? what if i become socially awkward? what if my eyes forever stay small? what if my freckles never go away? what if someone eats the last bit of double chocolate ice cream in the freezer?

-but also more deeper thoughts, like-

what if God had never predestined me? what if i was still lost in darkness? what would it to be constantly depressed? what it be like to never know the true Light? what if i didn't exist? what if i was born in another country, in another family? who am i? what am going to do with my future?

i don't have all the answers yet. but i feel safer knowing that i'm not in control of my life's story. He is. i don't need to know all the answers. all i need to know is that He came down for me, and loves me with so much passion that He would agree to exchange His life for mine, on that beautifully dreadful day. that's why i owe Him so much, and He can take my life and use it for His glory.

the little happy things {1-15}

1. when the strangers you smile at smile back

2. screaming and cheering during games

3. looking into people's eyes and seeing something you never saw before

4. picking up the school vibe

5. listening to disney music

6. rainy afternoons curled up in your bed

7. colorful stationary and accessories that make you happy

8. smelling coffee brewing in the kitchen on a rainy day

9. having blurry conversations before dropping off to sleep

10. eating the best cookies two days in a row

11. daydreaming about nothing much, really
12. yelling singing out favorite music in random situations
13. scraping off the whipped cream from the cake and eating it
14. when your brother tells you you're pretty
15. listening over and over again the chords of a beautifully sad song

//

{inspired by jenn}

today is prissy's birthday. happy birthday darling. you're an awesome leetle sister and i just wanted you to know that ♥

once upon another moon

via

once upon another time, when we were so close. when we shared our hearts, lives, and dreams. when we truth-or-dared one another with dire consequences. when we dreamed about the future. when we silently cursed growing up because it brought us further apart. (when i dreaded it even more and cried for quite a while.)

it's a full moon tonight. not just any moon. but the deep, wax-yellow moon with the halo of light around it, just as how it was always had been. as i stared up at it, the beautiful wax-yellow light it shed, i remembered. i remembered how our families used to eat together so often, and the stupid random funny conversations we had. my inside ached for the times. a breeze caught my hair and played with it for a while. i breathed deeply. breathed in that familiar smell of balmy nights laughing and teasing. breathed in the memories and let them sink. sink right down into the bottom of my heart, where i hoped they would be kept forever and always.

bittersweet. isn't that the word they use to describe chocolate? maybe that would fit us. we were bittersweet. sometimes nice, other times not so. and because we were, the memories became that too. they were bittersweet, capable of evoking a sense of warmth but all too capable of bringing hurt. but bittersweet all the same.

//

i thought of many people while writing this.

many people, but mainly t.c.b. and q.w.

ps: thanks for all the lovely comments. you all are darlings, and if you haven't any time to do the blog challenge thingamajig, then no worries :) love you all ♥♥

flit, fly // summer 05

image source

she was in a field. filled with dandelions and dying grass.

beautiful, life and death merging.

fly higher.

the words resounded in her mind as she struggled to differentiate reality and fantasy.

she could feel the familiar, gentle push of the wind.

stop it.

she wanted to stay and rest in this little sanctuary, rest her weary self.

instead, the wind drove her forward relentlessly.

surrendering was probably a better idea.

to

let

herself

fly

higher,

and

high-er,

h-i-g-h-e-r

until it seemed like she never existed.

flit, fly

memories,

gone by

//

<footnote> just some snippets of random scribbles